Thursday, November 13, 2014

The things you can't do when you're someone's mother

via
1. Pose naked for a magazine.

2. Pose naked for a magazine and hype it.

3. Pose naked for a magazine even though you've already posed naked before and Reddit will tell you right now it's not anything new.

4. Pose naked even though you made that sex tape once with Brandy's brother (hey, we've all been there) that will probably survive you and your children.

5. Pose naked and smile while posing naked. You should at least be a little ashamed that you ARE SOMEONE'S MOTHER and you're POSING NAKED.

6. Pose naked when you could be NOT posing naked and fulfilling your role as a mom instead.

7. Pose naked even though your kid could watch Hostel without even blinking because they're not even 2 and they have no idea what the fuck is going on around them.

8.  Pose naked when you could be auditioning for a groundbreaking musical television show that can't quit it on Very Special Episodes so that one day your daughter--through excessively auto-tuned song and dance--will learn to accept herself.

9. Pose naked when you could be busy teaching your kid that nudity is the worst thing ever... once you're a parent. I mean, before, it's fine. That open-mouthed, lingerie shit is peachy until you have sex that one time and it produces a child.

10. Pose naked even though not a goddamn person would say a thing if it was your husband who posed naked instead.

Thanks for clearing that up, Naya.

13 comments:

  1. Haha! I mean, obviously some priorities and stuff have to change after you spawn offspring, but it's utterly ridiculous that people think the label of "someone's mother" trumps your identity. I guess that's partially why this fetal "personhood" stuff is actually a thing. Why can't people just say, this was a ridiculous publicity stunt, because it did not by any measure "break the Internet" and she looked like she rolled around in crisco?

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  2. Ew ew ew, I cannot get over that picture. Her ass looks like it was pumped with a ball pump. It's kinda gross to be honest. And I cannot believe she's a wife AND a mother and still doing this nonsense. Yeah it was what ever when she wasn't married and wasn't a mom, but when is enough enough?

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  3. I had an opinion until I clicked over and saw that butt. Good lord! Thoughts scrambled. (It took me far too long to realize this was satire. I was all, "Why does she care about.... oh....")

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  4. Omg, that Naya business. No, Naya, no. Please stop. I loved your list of things moms aren't allowed to because everyone knows that once you have children your body isn't your own anymore, amirite? UGH. When people say things like this it makes me wonder if there's a manual out there that is like how to make a bottle, what to expect at a PTA meeting, what you are NOT ALLOWED TO DO AS A MOMMY or something.

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  5. Nooooo, Naya, whyyyyy? I love me some Naya, but that's not okay.

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  6. Exactly--I in no way think the photos are above critique but Naya's response just comes off as silly. Yeah, priorities should change but to me that means you shouldn't go out drinking til 5 every morning anymore when you have kids and etc, you know? I don't like the idea that because a woman expresses her sexuality in public, she can't be a good mom. Those kinds of attitudes are prudish at best.

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  7. Meh, I know photoshop is at work (and butt implants and whatever), but the only thing I find wrong with the pics is the excessive oil. How gross would that be to have all over your body?

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  8. Haha. Honestly, I don't even love the photos but I thought Naya's response was more than silly.

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  9. I think there's an unofficial manual out there and when you break a rule, all the moms who are doing it right automatically know, so they can immediately take to their Facebook about it.

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  10. Yeah, it was just a weird response. Nevermind that Naya has done plenty of Maxim-type photo shoots herself. Does she think those will all just disappear when (if) she has kids? Or are her photos fine because she never actually showed anything? Like I said, weird response.

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  11. Yep, that's what priorities mean to me too. I don't like that idea either - it's like how elementary school teachers can lose their jobs over sexy FB photos or something.

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  12. Oh, Naya's totally showed something. Did you not see her pole dance from before she was famous? It was a "scandal" when it popped up online, but she laughed it off.

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