Monday, November 17, 2014

Let's guess the new taglines for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Did you suddenly start feeling joy in your heart and you weren't sure why? Duh. It's because the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is coming back tomorrow night. If you don't watch the show, you should probably just walk away now because this post will mean absolutely nothing to you.

And if you don't like the Real Housewives--I don't know, man. Go tell someone who cares. On that note, I just found out the the Beverly Hills franchise is rated 2 out of 10 stars on IMDB. The fuck? It's the Real Housewives. To even rate it is to have too high of expectations.

So let's stop worrying about whether it's quality television or not and just guess the new taglines for Season 5. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about--it's the opening line each housewife says during the intro of the show that basically encapsulates who that person is.

I'll go first along with too many Housewives gifs.

Kyle Richards

Season 1: “In a town full of phonies, I’m not afraid to be me.”
Season 2: “I’m not the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but I am the luckiest.”
Season 3: “I’m born and raised in Beverly Hills. This is my town.”
Season 4: “I’m from this town. I know what’s real and I know what’s fake.”

New tagline: "I don't know if I mentioned I was born in Beverly Hills, but I totally was. Saying that doesn't make me richer or more well-known or anything but it's like the one thing I have over these other bitches, so I'm going to milk it."

Brandi Glanville

Season 3: “Money doesn’t give you class, it just gives you money.”
Season 4: “In Beverly hills, the higher you climb the farther you fall.”

New tagline: "I'm a racist asshole who thinks constantly putting my foot in my mouth is just me keeping it real. Peace!"

Yolanda Foster

Season 3: “I like to have fun, but I don’t play games.”
Season 4: “Don’t tell me you’re my friend, act like one.”

New tagline: "I look classy as shit which is why you'll never question my judgment for being friends with Brandi."

Lisa Vanderpump 

Season 1: “In Beverly Hills it’s who you know, and I know everyone.”
Season 2: “Life in Beverly Hills is a game, and I make the rules.”
Season 3: “Life isn’t all diamonds and rosé, but it should be.”
Season 4: “Life is a sexy little dance, and I like to take the lead.”

New tagline: "Sorry bitches. I'm a fan favorite and I have a spin-off show. Like I'm ever getting fired."

Kim Richards

Season 1: “I was a child star, but now my most important role is being a mother.”
Season 2: “People try to figure me out, but I’m one of a kind.”
Season 3: “Life is a journey, and I’m finding myself every day.”
Season 4: “Everybody loves a comeback story, especially starring me.”

New tagline: "My sisters are assholes. The end."

The season 5 newbies:

Lisa Rinna

Tagline: "My best career choice was guest-starring on that one episode of Community."

Eileen Davidson

... who? Oh, okay, The Young and the Restless.

Tagline: uh, "Something something, my name once appeared in Andy Warhol's 'Interview.'" Or maybe: "Let me make you think I knew Warhol by vaguely mentioning that one time my name appeared in the magazine he founded." Yeah, let's go with that.


  1. I haven't watched this show in years, but those are hilarious! From the few characters that I remember, those are dead-on!

  2. this is my favorite of the RHW series ... okay, tied with NJ. The new taglines for Yolanda and Lisa are spot on. I seriously love Lisa

  3. I kept thinking the real taglines were the ones you were making up. Some were over the top enough that it's hard to tell the difference between parody and reality.

  4. DYING. So funny hahah. I love Real Housewives, and Orange County/Beverly Hills are my two favorite ones.

  5. It kills me that I don't have cable because it's so hard to watch Bravo shows online! They're so picky about what they put up.

  6. I love her too! I always feel like there must be something to the fact that everyone on the cast has had a problem with her... but I choose not to care. I think BH is my favorite too, but I do have some loyalty to the original OC!

  7. Hahah, aren't they? I like “Life isn’t all diamonds and rosé, but it should be.” because I agree and want to live like that.

  8. Me too! There's just something about the California ladies.