Wednesday, October 15, 2014

How to get out a slump

  • Drink a bottle of seasonal beer (pumpkin ale, duh). Or a glass of non-seasonal wine, because you're not into trends and also because a six-pack doesn't last forever but boxed wine does. 
  • Remind yourself that Netflix now has House Hunters, House Hunters International and Cutthroat Kitchen on instant play. 
  • Spend five hours watching people you don't know obsessing over granite countertops you don't care about in homes that probably aren't even for sale
  • Watch your cat as she maintains eye contact with you the entire time she goes to the bathroom.
  • Buy a pumpkin spice latte so you can understand all the fuss and realize it's totally worth it because it's delicious and there are no number of posts about white girls and what we like to do in the fall that'll make me pretend otherwise. 
  • Eat this shit and enjoy it. (Quick, someone tell me Applebee's is disgusting because all the food is reheated from frozen shipments so I can get to the part about not giving a fuck about cheap meals at cheap restaurants being frozen.)
  • Watch Carol be a stone-cold bitch on The Walking Dead and feel more love for another human being than you ever have before.
  • Listen to The Best Thing I Never Had again. And again. And then once more for good measure.
  • Paint your nails like they won't chip in three days.
  • Get a text from your boyfriend telling you he'll buy you your favorite Applebee's food even though even he thinks their pretzel breadsticks are shit and who the hell is he to judge because he likes the fiesta lime chicken after you suggest you're having a shitty morning. 
  • Ruminate over how Britney Spears pronounces 'insecure' in Perfume.
  • Pull out those knit slipper booties you bought from Target that make you feel like a catalog model because it's finally getting cold enough to wear them.
  • Wonder what a combination of Idris Elba and Adam Scott would look like and then just settle for taking both as, uh, back-up boyfriends. (Shut up, Logan, I know you have Keanu waiting in the wings.) 
  • Reminisce about the perfect Real Housewives cast. New Jersey. Season One. It's not up for debate. Any prostitution whore knows that. 
  • Buy make-up you don't need and don't know how to put on.
  • Make a 'baby-making' playlist after being inspired by that Spotify commercial that won't fucking stop playing. Boyz II Men is the headliner, obviously. 
  • Buy those one-serving veggie trays you always see in the store that make you think, "what lazy asshole actually buys this shit?"  
  • Buy blue eyeliner because you're expanding your horizons but don't actually want to take too much of a risk.
  • Ignore the tub of hummus in your fridge that you normally love because sometimes hummus just needs to back the fuck off and give you some space and let you eat store brand cheese puffs instead.
  • Buy a 3-pound bag of tortilla chips from Costco because you can.
  • Never stop listening to All Too Well. Crumpled up pieces of paper unite.
  • Probably don't inadvertently wear a stained shirt to work.


  1. Hahaha this was hilarious. I'm obsessed with All Too Well... I play it on repeat daily.

  2. This is so perfect. Also obsessed with All Too Well and am kind of miffed about House Hunters. No wonder the people are such shitty actors about their reactions to the places (not that I'm going to stop watching...)

  3. This is so funny! I love the one about the hummus!

  4. Haha, love this. I need to try a PSL to see what all the fuss is about...I'm curious, but caramel anything are my old stand-bys.

  5. I'm pretty sure I play it every time I'm in the car. It's such a perfect sing-along song.

  6. Haha, yeah--I keep watching too. Mainly so I can yell at them and tell them their choices are stupid.

  7. Thanks, Karen! I don't know why but I've been fighting with hummus for a couple months now and it used to be my go-to snack.

  8. YES-- I usually get a caramel macchiato, but I decided to join the pumpkin spice train. No lie, they are pretty damn good.