Thursday, October 30, 2014

Dear horror movies, please stop with this shit

Horror movies, I love you. You're ridiculous and awful and you've taken years off my life making me stress about characters I don't even like. But it's almost Halloween, and it'd be a missed opportunity if I didn't talk shit on you.

So let's talk shit.

1. There's not like some woman code that when things gets rough we like to put on a white tank top. In fact, I don't know that many women who just wear white tank tops on the regular so it's kind of amazing you somehow manage to always find women who really fucking love wearing white tank tops and not much else.

2.  The really boring 30 minute intro before any action even takes place is as unnecessary as the excessively long shower scene featuring that actress who will undoubtedly be killed off because only sluts would show you their tits.

3. Flashbacks are the worst. THE WORST. And when you start the movie at the very end and then make us catch up to that one point we've already seen two hours ago? Well, just shoot me in the face.

4. Kill your characters in the most disgusting, depraved ways you want, but kill the family dog? I'm out.

5. Fake-outs are really lazy, and also just kind of rude.

6. Back-country folks aren't all terrible and some even clean their homes and don't want to sharpen your bones into fancy toothpicks.

7. Twist endings aren't cool when they don't actually make any sense and completely undo the entire dumbass plot you just subjected us to.

8. If you're trying to make your ghost sympathetic because they're actually good but something really awful happened to them and they just want justice, then maybe stop making them act like such cryptic assholes.

9. Oh wait that villain didn't actually die even though they sustained injuries that would kill a rhinoceros and now they're back? Well shit.

10. That incredibly creepy sound your main character just heard that clearly wasn't a natural sound? Yeah, no one would explore that sound.

11. Cults aren't as creepy as you think they are. Just kidding. They're creepier. Thanks for haunting me for the rest of my life, Wicker Man. (no not the shitty Nicholas Cage version)

12. You don't have to continue making sequels just because the first movie was popular. It's not going to get better and it's really disappointing when you just want to watch the original on Netflix and all that's available is Paranormal Activity 4: The One No One Gives a Shit About.

13. Who the fuck were the people in the closet, Insidious??

14. Also, did I really just watch a movie about astral projecting and love it? Goddamnit, Patrick Wilson.

15. It's not actually feminist just because you let the woman live until the end.

Happy Halloween, ya'll.


  1. So I used to have this crappy movie club with my expat friends in Korea, and we'd usually pick horror/action movies. One that sticks out is Zombie Strippers. They'd get zombified, and then be like, "ugh, I just need to strip." And then their partially decomposed bodies would shimmy around a pole. Sigh. It was just one of those things that even failed at being a hilarious crappy movie. And my favorite horror movie is probably Tucker and Dale vs. Evil - if you haven't seen it, I think you'd love it.

  2. That's why I stick to zombie movies. And the best one yet is World War Z. There's none of that stupid shit you mentioned up there.

    Speaking of... have you seen that Geico commercial about the kids running from the killer with the chainsaw and they are all "lets hide behind all the knives instead of getting into the running car" and then the murderer just ... rolls his eyes. YES! I die from laughter.

  3. Damn that Patrick Wilson and his pretty face. :-)

  4. This makes me really glad that I can't handle gore, so I haven't seen any horror movies. I stick with the scary films that mess with your mind.

  5. I just watched it this weekend! I liked it--but I always have a soft spot for Alan Tudyk. It was definitely a refreshing take on the 'college kids go to an isolated cabin in the woods' storyline. Zombie Strippers really does sound like art though. Is that Jenna Jameson? Clearly I need to watch it.

  6. Haha, yes! I like that commercial. It's so true too. Sometimes when the characters just make the dumbest decisions though, it's easier to not be scared because you just want them to die because they're so worthless. I've only seen the end of World War Z. I love the Walking Dead but I generally go for supernatural horror movies instead of zombies or that torture porn shit.

  7. Hahah, right? I can't believe that first time I watch Phantom of the Opera, I rooted for the phantom over Patrick Wilson's character. He's such a creep and Raoul was actually, I don't know.. nice and normal.

  8. Honestly, I really hate gory scary movies too--especially torture porn nonsense. My preference is supernatural or just plain old creepy like Wicker Man or Silence of the Lambs. I'm not the type of person who can see a disturbing image and just think, "meh" so I have to stay far away from some horror movies.

  9. Alan Tudyk is magical. I love that scene in Firefly where he's playing with dinosaurs. Yeah, I think it's Jenna Jameson, you should watch it and snicker.