Thursday, October 30, 2014

Dear horror movies, please stop with this shit

Horror movies, I love you. You're ridiculous and awful and you've taken years off my life making me stress about characters I don't even like. But it's almost Halloween, and it'd be a missed opportunity if I didn't talk shit on you.

So let's talk shit.

1. There's not like some woman code that when things gets rough we like to put on a white tank top. In fact, I don't know that many women who just wear white tank tops on the regular so it's kind of amazing you somehow manage to always find women who really fucking love wearing white tank tops and not much else.

2.  The really boring 30 minute intro before any action even takes place is as unnecessary as the excessively long shower scene featuring that actress who will undoubtedly be killed off because only sluts would show you their tits.

3. Flashbacks are the worst. THE WORST. And when you start the movie at the very end and then make us catch up to that one point we've already seen two hours ago? Well, just shoot me in the face.

4. Kill your characters in the most disgusting, depraved ways you want, but kill the family dog? I'm out.

5. Fake-outs are really lazy, and also just kind of rude.

6. Back-country folks aren't all terrible and some even clean their homes and don't want to sharpen your bones into fancy toothpicks.

7. Twist endings aren't cool when they don't actually make any sense and completely undo the entire dumbass plot you just subjected us to.

8. If you're trying to make your ghost sympathetic because they're actually good but something really awful happened to them and they just want justice, then maybe stop making them act like such cryptic assholes.

9. Oh wait that villain didn't actually die even though they sustained injuries that would kill a rhinoceros and now they're back? Well shit.

10. That incredibly creepy sound your main character just heard that clearly wasn't a natural sound? Yeah, no one would explore that sound.

11. Cults aren't as creepy as you think they are. Just kidding. They're creepier. Thanks for haunting me for the rest of my life, Wicker Man. (no not the shitty Nicholas Cage version)

12. You don't have to continue making sequels just because the first movie was popular. It's not going to get better and it's really disappointing when you just want to watch the original on Netflix and all that's available is Paranormal Activity 4: The One No One Gives a Shit About.

13. Who the fuck were the people in the closet, Insidious??

14. Also, did I really just watch a movie about astral projecting and love it? Goddamnit, Patrick Wilson.

15. It's not actually feminist just because you let the woman live until the end.

Happy Halloween, ya'll.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Skinny bitches and that bass

Let's get something out of the way: I'm not actually sure what determines a skinny bitch. I've heard it described about women who diet but aren't particularly bitchy and women who are skinny and also kind of assholes. (Oh, and also women who don't like that intense of work-outs.)

But in general, a lot of the time it just seems to mean "women who are skinny," which makes it a pretty shitty term and an easy way to belittle thin women by playing into the idea that skinny women are superficial snobs (or, you know, bitches).

Remember that, "Real women have curves," phrase that was thrown around all the time several years back? I could write a thesis on how much bullshit is contained within that one statement but I won't, because, I don't know about you, but I'm really goddamn sick of hearing about other people's theses (sorry grad friend who just got her master's).

But my point is that I do believe body positivity shouldn't come at the expense of another person's type of body--whether you're skinny and judgmental about overweight people or you're larger and judgmental about skinny people. But the reality is, it's complicated.

A popular response to songs like Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" or Meghan Trainor's, "All About That Bass," is to suggest that they're discriminatory against skinny women. While it's hard to take, "fuck those skinny bitches in the club," in a nice way--to be honest, it's just not doing it for me. The outrage isn't there.

It probably helps that they're both pop songs not directed at anyone in particular and it's pretty easy to also write them off as shitty pop songs if that's not what you're into.

But, for me, the most important point is that there's a stupid amount of pressure to be thin in our society and when that frustration manifests itself in lyrics about rejecting skinny-ness, I'm not really interested in making it about me and my own hurt feelings.

Because here's the thing: Anyone can tell a skinny person that they're too thin and "it's not what men want," but every thin person has the privilege of then taking that information, completely rejecting it and knowing that popular media will back them up.

A skinny person has the privilege of saying, "Oh you think I'm disgusting? That's not what Vogue says." No other body type comes with that privilege. You call out a non-size zero person for being too big and it's status quo.

So while personal attacks can be hurtful, because of course they are, Meghan Trainor singing "I'm bringing booty back, tell them skinny bitches that," doesn't even make me pause. Skinny women? We don't need more affirmation that our body type is worthy of praise. We get it all day long.

Also? I think "All About That Bass" is catchy as hell.

Monday, October 20, 2014

What I've learned from two episodes of Gilmore Girls

I don't actually know what's happening here. (via)
You know those shows everyone else seems to adore and constantly reference but you've never even seen an episode? Gilmore Girls is that show for me. I'm pretty sure all of my close female friends have watched the entire series, specifically while in high school, so Rory is basically a pretend sister for them.

I've never had strong feelings against the show, so I guess I was just too busy watching Lifetime movies and reruns of Friends in high school to care about it. But that changed this weekend--so thanks, Netflix.

And you know? I can dig it. Especially if the rest of the episodes are as eye-opening as the first. (Let's pretend that was a good enough segue to get into the post's title.)

What I learned from the first two episodes of Gilmore Girls:

1. Cafe owners on the east coast hate serving you coffee. And food. But they sure are handsome.

2. 'Struggling with money' is code for lives in a nice house with a wraparound porch and charming decor.

3. East cost towns are composed primarily of cobblestones and fall trees.

4. Popular girls at private schools steal things and hide in hedges to find out if you're gonna fuck up their school paper dreams and not to smoke or anything.

5. Referring to a girl as Mary to suggest they look like a virgin is something high school-aged guys did in the 80s...  and in 2000. (Don't remember that? Well you didn't go to a private school with Chad Michael Murray, did you?)

6. Speaking of Chad Michael Murray. He's in this show. I can't wait to not give a shit for the rest of the season.

7. Tofu sucks and is only something Asian moms would push on you.

8. Somewhere along the way, Sam Winchester got a voice transplant. And his name was Dean. How is that not mind-blowing?

9. The only clothing options available when your suits are at the dry cleaners are jean shorts, a stomach-bearing t-shirt and cowboy boots. Obviously.

10. French men who work at hotels are kind of assholes. As are harpists.

11. Clutzy chefs who almost start fires a lot are the best chefs of all.

12. But seriously, Melissa McCarthy is on this show? Why didn't anyone tell me? She was my favorite part of Samantha Who? (And I guess I also Bridesmaids if we like stating the obvious.)

13. Hating your upbringing and your parents isn't a good enough reason to move away from them. Not when future character development is on the line.

14. Some teenage girls willingly dress super dowdy. And like it.

15. People forcing you to remove your outerwear is a legitimate fear to have. I had the cutest matching cardigan and skirt combo when I was 9 that I loved. Except before I had a chance to wear it, my sister made a comment about how my teacher would think the cardigan was outerwear and make me take it off--leading to, horror of all horrors, me sitting there with no top on. (Wearing a shirt under the cardigan was clearly something my 9-year-old brain didn't fathom). So I never wore it. Thanks for backing my decision up Gilmore Girls.

Friday, October 17, 2014

5 good things that happened this week


Yes, Oprah. Thank god the week is over. Here's what I plan to do tonight: drink wine and sit on my ass watching The Real Housewives with my sister. I know you're going to let me down Bravo and show some shitty movie instead like you're Netflix and anyone cares, but a heart can dream.

Instead of focusing on the negative which is kind of my thing, I thought I'd focus on the positive and show some appreciation for good things that happened this week.

1. Birchbox sent me a Beauty Blender in my monthly box. 

I'm pretty sure I wrote another blog post where I said something to the effect of, "ugh beauty blenders so sick of hearing about them," but it was mainly because... I was really sick of hearing about them. Except now I have one and I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a total hypocrite. I think Birchbox knew I was getting ready to cancel my subscription and decided to really pull out the big guns. I can't say I notice a huge difference in application from my Sonia Kashuk sponge, but it's got a cool texture, so that's something right?

2. I tried Shocktop's pumpkin beer.

Confession: Shocktop's raspberry wheat beer is one of my top five favorite beers. Yeah you can buy it at the gas station, what's your point? So, basically what I'm saying is I was pretty excited to learn they had a pumpkin offering. Not saying it's the best pumpkin ale, but I'm all about expanding my horizons.

3. Taylor Swift came out with a new song. 

Guys, we're less than two weeks away from her new album. I'm going to piss myself with excitement.

4. Walking Dead started again.

Only the best show on television, no big deal. How glad are we that the storyline involving those people at the place (trying to be as vague as possible for slowpokes) didn't drag on forever?

5. I figured out my Halloween costume.

via Jkissa
I'm too lazy to do the blue skin and I don't have violet hair. But, you know basically, I'm down. Truthfully, I just want to wear fake lashes and do a dramatic cat-eye.

So tell me, what good things happened to you this week?

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

How to get out a slump

  • Drink a bottle of seasonal beer (pumpkin ale, duh). Or a glass of non-seasonal wine, because you're not into trends and also because a six-pack doesn't last forever but boxed wine does. 
  • Remind yourself that Netflix now has House Hunters, House Hunters International and Cutthroat Kitchen on instant play. 
  • Spend five hours watching people you don't know obsessing over granite countertops you don't care about in homes that probably aren't even for sale
  • Watch your cat as she maintains eye contact with you the entire time she goes to the bathroom.
  • Buy a pumpkin spice latte so you can understand all the fuss and realize it's totally worth it because it's delicious and there are no number of posts about white girls and what we like to do in the fall that'll make me pretend otherwise. 
  • Eat this shit and enjoy it. (Quick, someone tell me Applebee's is disgusting because all the food is reheated from frozen shipments so I can get to the part about not giving a fuck about cheap meals at cheap restaurants being frozen.)
  • Watch Carol be a stone-cold bitch on The Walking Dead and feel more love for another human being than you ever have before.
  • Listen to The Best Thing I Never Had again. And again. And then once more for good measure.
  • Paint your nails like they won't chip in three days.
  • Get a text from your boyfriend telling you he'll buy you your favorite Applebee's food even though even he thinks their pretzel breadsticks are shit and who the hell is he to judge because he likes the fiesta lime chicken after you suggest you're having a shitty morning. 
  • Ruminate over how Britney Spears pronounces 'insecure' in Perfume.
  • Pull out those knit slipper booties you bought from Target that make you feel like a catalog model because it's finally getting cold enough to wear them.
  • Wonder what a combination of Idris Elba and Adam Scott would look like and then just settle for taking both as, uh, back-up boyfriends. (Shut up, Logan, I know you have Keanu waiting in the wings.) 
  • Reminisce about the perfect Real Housewives cast. New Jersey. Season One. It's not up for debate. Any prostitution whore knows that. 
  • Buy make-up you don't need and don't know how to put on.
  • Make a 'baby-making' playlist after being inspired by that Spotify commercial that won't fucking stop playing. Boyz II Men is the headliner, obviously. 
  • Buy those one-serving veggie trays you always see in the store that make you think, "what lazy asshole actually buys this shit?"  
  • Buy blue eyeliner because you're expanding your horizons but don't actually want to take too much of a risk.
  • Ignore the tub of hummus in your fridge that you normally love because sometimes hummus just needs to back the fuck off and give you some space and let you eat store brand cheese puffs instead.
  • Buy a 3-pound bag of tortilla chips from Costco because you can.
  • Never stop listening to All Too Well. Crumpled up pieces of paper unite.
  • Probably don't inadvertently wear a stained shirt to work.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Just one of those days


You know the days when everything you do seems to take a herculean effort, and even then you can still barely get it together? That's me right now. I've had a headache since 10 a.m. and even the pumpkin ale I'm drinking right now can't get me out of my rut (which means you know it's serious).

Instead of writing a cohesive post, I thought I'd just blatantly rip-off Marielle from This Flooded Sky and do my own version of her "Memos" (go read them, she's always full of interesting thoughts). The idea is basically that these posts are for when you have something to say but don't feel like writing a full post.

I'm sponsoring Marielle right now, so I think that means I'm allowed to copy her  pay homage to her. My memos:

Defensive driving

1. I'm the angriest driver on earth. Not the most aggressive, just the angriest. It annoys me when you pull out in front of me. It annoys me when you go at the stop sign when it's not your turn. It annoys me when switch into my lane right in front of me without putting your blinker on. But most of all, it annoys me when you drive too close to me. In fact, it boggles my mind how few people connect accidents with following the person in front of them too closely. And it really pisses me off when I'm driving with my niece in her carseat in the back and you think it's perfectly fine to drive your excessively large pick-up truck only a couple feet away from my hippie-loving Prius. Back the fuck off and stop pretending you're actually in a rush to get anywhere interesting.

Insincerity masked as positivity 

2. Here's one blog post I've tried to write a few times. You know those people you meet and on the surface they're all smiles and just so nice and yet you still walk away thinking, "holy shit, I've never met someone less genuine?" Yeah, I'd love to never hear advice about living positively from these people ever again. It's total insincerity masked as positivity. No, you're not a good person because you don't complain and you're falsely nice to everyone. Maybe just try being a real person.

Cats who stick their faces in everything

3. My cat sticks her face into every open cup she sees. And I don't stop her because it's cute. I even googled milk replacements for cats because she can't have milk but I want her to have it because she's so damn cute. So instead of milk, I've resigned myself to putting ice cubes in her water because it seems to amuse her.

Go right ahead, Plum. 

Reminders that I'm not a Youtube beauty guru

4. Like Kylie Jenner, who is 17, I'm really into wearing a shit-ton of make-up at the moment. Which for me means, I never actually wear a shit-ton--I just wish I had the confidence to. I've been mixing it up lately with blue eyeliner, but though it looks cool to my eye, it doesn't translate at all in photos making me think it's not cool at all and I'm just a loser wannabe. I just want to be a Youtube beauty guru. Seriously, that's why I'm on this earth, I'm sure of it. Just let me tell you about my foundation routine, world. JUST LET ME TELL YOU.

It's blue eyeliner. I'm cool, okay?
Nobody cares that you don't want kids

5. I mean, sure, some people are judgmental about not having children, but proudly declaring how much you hate kids is as interesting as me telling people how much I like cheese and the Real Housewives, which, unfortunately, isn't as interesting as I'd like it to be. You know when you see kids flipping shit in a store? Instead of rolling your eyes, why don't you just be thankful you're not the one who has to listen to it all the way home? Yeah, I know, I know. If you ever acted that way your parents would've beat some sense into you. Because, physical abuse. That's reasonable. Not that it ever would've gone that far. Nah, you were a perfect child and comprehended from the moment you were born that you weren't the center of the universe. An old soul, you always were.

I wish a musician would write a really angry break-up song about me

6. How narcissistic is that? But the angrier the better. Just so I can tell people it's about me and for that one glorious second they'd think I was a complete monster. I guess I can say this because I don't actually care what any of the guys I used to date think about me. Honestly. I have moments of embarrassment for things I've said or done for the sake of my own pride, but never for a second have I actually cared what any guy has said about me to his friends. That chip is missing or something.

The feminist I'm not

7. If any of these became a full-fledged post, it would be this one. In fact, I have a post of the same name in my drafts, but I'm not satisfied with it so I've never published it. The gist, though, is that I'm not a fan of the fresh-out-of-Feminism-101 arrogance that abounds on the internet. It's tearing another writer apart for an argument you generally agree with that was worded in a way you didn't like so therefore it's all shit. Or accusing anything and everything of being some kind of shaming. It's a view of the world that's as black and white as the rigid social constructs you're fighting against. But at the same time, I feel kind of assholish for describing this type of feminism as "fresh-out-of-Feminism 101," because it's belittling and I know that. Hence, why I've never published the damn post.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Sk8er boys and prissy girls

Leave it to Spotify to remind you of songs you'd mostly forgotten about, like "Sk8er Boi." Full disclosure: I was listening to Katy Perry radio when it came on and, like always, I had a very visceral reaction to her abuse of the word "skater" and "boy."

Past that (though can we ever truly move past using the number 8 to replace the 'ate' sound?), I was reminded of how well Avril has the sexes down. He was a boy, she was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Um. Yes? No? Is this a trick question?

See, in Avril's world there are two types of women: cool girls and prissy bitches. If you're about to make the point that this song is really old and Avril's a grown woman now, I'd refer you to her new songs which don't suggest even the slightest bit of growth because she was smart and realized her fans are eternal tweens.

So as I was saying, in Avril's world, you're either a prissy ballerina who wears her buns too tight or a fun girl who wears Chucks.

Oh, and the only guys worth mentioning are "punks." As in, he was a punk, she did ballet. What more can I say? He wanted her. She'd never tell. But secretly she wanted him as well.

The only thing? All of her friends stuck up their nose and they had a problem with his baggy clothes.

... oh, Avril. Fuck off.

From a prissy girl, fuck off.

Take your Chucks and your sk8er boi boyfriend who's still obsessed with that girl he dated five years ago and fuck off.

The sad thing is, this song is more than a decade old and its basic tenets remain. Women are still encouraged to put other women down to appear cooler. And, maybe, Avril, that's why I feel the need to reiterate how much I think your song is bullshit.

You're not cooler because you skateboard. Or because you wear ball caps backwards. Or because your hair is always impossibly flat-ironed.

Maybe I'm sensitive because I'm always mistaken for the prissy girl, but I've learned to accept that my sense of style is preppy with a side of see you next Tuesday.

Though Avril doesn't know this (shut up, I know Sk8er Boi is old, we already went over this), what you look like and how you dress doesn't determine the kind of person you are. In grown-up world, women aren't automatically assholes because they were in sororities or, shock of all shocks, they were cheerleaders in high school. Or, god forbid, ballerinas.

This idea of the "prissy bitch" is bullshit. Yeah, some women are assholes. It's not because they like "girly" things. It's because they're assholes.

If you're having to put down other women to look cool to guys, you should probably re-evaluate your approach. And if you're trying to impress guys who'd gladly believe someone's a bitch based on how they dress, you should probably re-think who you're into.