Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The worst relationship advice I ever received while single


There are two types of shitty relationship advice: Shitty advice that includes suggestions you would never, ever do, and shitty advice that doesn't actually offer any tangible suggestions but is just supposed to dumbfound you with its wisdom. 

The worst advice I've ever received about finding love falls into the latter category. 

Now, I should just add a disclaimer right now that I'm talking about relationship advice for people who actually do want to meet someone. Not the one, necessarily. Just someone. 

Which, let me tell you--before my current relationship, I was the perpetually single friend. The one who would just go from one dumbass to the next and was never with anyone for any length of time. At times, I absolutely loved being single and wouldn't have had it any other way and then other times, I really, really did want to meet someone. Also, I was a late bloomer, and you know that shit messes with your psyche. 

So what I'm saying is that, yes, there were times when I was very open to stupid advice on how to meet a guy. 

And, oh, I heard plenty. But what has stuck with me the most in its shittiness is this:

"You'll meet someone when you stop thinking about meeting someone."

Got it. Okay. So let's be clear, here. Your advice is that I need to trick the universe into thinking I don't give a fuck about love so it rewards me... with love? 

This is basically an iteration of, "Love comes when you least expect it." But it's somehow worse, because it's telling you to stop being a desperate bitch and just let love come to you, when everyone knows the second you tell someone to stop doing something, they're going to do the opposite of stop. Which in this case means continue to think too hard about meeting someone.

And, nevermind, that the people who give this advice are always people who are in relationships. Thanks for the wisdom, assholes. It probably sounds pretty good to you as you go to bed with your partner, but I'm not really getting any warm feelings about a nice guy "just being around the corner" when I'm going to bed with only the cast of fucking 30 Rock for company.

There's also that part about how single people are constantly encouraged to stop being single--whether it's a friend setting you up, a relative you only see a couple times a year always making sure to ask if you're seeing anyone, or the sad, simple fact that the most liked comments on Facebook are always about relationship statuses. 

But I mean, yeah, I'll devote myself solely to everything else in my life and stop thinking about romance just so that moment I "least expect" will come and I'll find my true love.

That sounds pretty solid.

So what's the worst relationship advice you've heard? Please divulge. 


  1. Hah! I have gotten that advice more times than I can count and I HATE it! Like everything else in life requires work. Why is love different? Its not. And this isnt a movie where I'm gona spill my coffee and Prince Charming is suddenly gona show up. And you're right - there isnt some cosmic love god waiting to reward my apathy. Thats not how it works.

  2. I regret nothing in the advice dept. NOTHING.

  3. This doesn't count as advice, but the most annoying thing people would say to me when I told them I was single was, "Well...that's ok!" Like, I KNOW. Maybe I was happy being single or just open to meeting someone, but I never thought being a single adult should be something embarrassing. Oh, and you know what else I hate? Those inspirational relationship quote memes that just take two words or a phrase and then turn them around.

  4. "You just need to lower your standards". Sometimes I think about this being said to me and I can't even believe it happened it's so awful.

  5. You totally nailed it on the head that the advice is always from the friend in long term relationships. Like "yeah, okay." I also hate when they try to turn it on you, like "but imagine all the people you can hook up with no strings attached" or just other shitty excuses that they think will make you be like whoo hoo single life!

  6. Yes, yes and yes! You're not going to find love if you don't open yourself to meeting people! It totally takes work! I mean, sure, you might end up hitting it off with someone you didn't expect to but you still need to be available to meeting people period.

  7. That's probably because your advice was basically always, "do what the heart wants," you beautiful enabler. LOVE YOU.

  8. Hahah. I love that they're giving you permission to be single. Being single is fun! I'll never understand serial long-term relationship types who go from one relationship to the next. There's not anything wrong with it, but damn, take a breather.

  9. Haha-- full disclosure: had a moment when writing this when I thought, "wait I'm not the only one who's heard this, right?" Glad I'm not alone.

  10. ISN'T IT THE WORST? Glad other people hate this 'advice' too.

  11. Oh lord. How about have some damn standards. In my view, there's a problem if you're so focused on not being 'alone' that you'll disregard what's important to you just to be not single.

  12. Hahah. Yep, advice from the friend in a long term relationship is always fun. I know they mean well, but it so easily comes off as out of touch. Also, what--don't all single people just want to have casual sex and get drunk constantly?

  13. I hate that 'love comes when you dont want it to', if you truly don't want it to then you won't want the love when it comes! Ludicrous