Monday, September 8, 2014

Passing on (or why I don't write about personal things)


Yesterday, we took my family dog, a 17-year-old Yorkie named Rollie, to the urgent care animal hospital to be euthanized. His health greatly deteriorated in the past month and he wasn't in a good place. He could barely see, he had no appetite and his kidneys were all but failing him.

It came down to the decision that he could either further deteriorate and eventually succumb or we could do the humane thing and let him go.

I want to write an eloquent post about it, but I'm not going to.

I want to write an eloquent post about death, but that's not happening either.

I've never been the type to want to talk about hard things. It happened and it's done, and I'm upset, but I don't actually want to talk about it. The reality is, I don't want to turn what happened into a blog post that tries to teach some kind of a lesson or, even worse, expounds on the nature of life and how everything happens for a reason.

I want to hoard the experience and keep it to myself and feel the pain I'm feeling without sharing it with anyone else. If I thought there was some grand truth I could share with you guys, I would. But there's not.

My half-brother died a few months ago. It was a motorcycle accident and I actually thought he was safe from another accident after a close call last year when he crashed and fell into a large puddle and would have drowned if not for strangers who pulled him out.

He didn't die for me to write a blog post about how you never know what's going to happen and you should live each day to the fullest.

I hate how everything has to be a lesson. I hate how every shitty thing that happens has to be related back to the people who didn't even directly experience the shit, but the people who were left behind, the people who like to reason that the hardship makes them a better person.

Not everything has to have a moral. Things can just happen and exist. They can just be.

I remember once reading about a girl who took her family's Porsche and drove it too fast and crashed into a concrete wall and died. Her wreck scene images, which were apparently horrific, became viral after a cop on the scene (or so I read) spread the photos to his relatives as a "warning."

You know what? She didn't die for this cop's relatives to learn about shit. He wanted to spread smut, so he did, and he wrapped it up with a bow like he was actually accomplishing something.

Some things are bigger than a blog post, and not sharing them doesn't make you less "authentic." There's nothing wrong with using a blog like a diary, but there's also nothing wrong with choosing not to. 

18 comments:

  1. I totally agree. There's a lot of things that I leave out of my blog and keep to myself. It doesn't make me "fake". Some things are just better left private and it drives me crazy when people are like "Oh, you're so unauthentic because you only show the "perfect" parts of your life!" My life is far from sunshine and puppies all the time but I don't feel comfortable sharing every waking detail with the Interbutt at Large. What they get is what they get and they can stuff it if they don't like it.

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  2. Agreed. There are some deeply personal and painful things that I will never share. I just wouldn't see the point of it, and sometimes sharing things makes it feel less real (that sounds like a good thing, but for me it makes it worse). That being said - I hope you're doing ok and I'm so sorry those things have happened.

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  3. "Not everything has to have a moral. Things can just happen and exist. They can just be." Yessssss.

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  4. First of all, Katie - I'm so sorry for your loss.


    Thank you for writing this post, and pointing out that not everything "happens for a reason." I've long hated that phrase, and internally cringe every time someone insists on saying it, especially in the fact of grief. Your losses should not have to serve as some kind of lesson for everyone else, and you're allowed to experience your grief however you want. If for you, that means not sharing it with the world, then that's your decision and nobody has the right to tell you that you're a bad blogger, or person, or anything else.

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  5. Yes - "I want to hoard the experience and keep it to myself and feel the pain I'm feeling without sharing it with anyone else." I'm a total emotion hoarder. The most personal things, good or bad, are private. And like Kiersten, I absolutely loathe when people say "everything happens for a reason." Sometimes, it's just life.

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  6. Love that attitude. If sharing all of your life is your thing as a blogger, that's fine, but it doesn't make you more 'real.' Sure it's one thing if a blogger straight up misleads their audience about their life, but choosing not to discuss specific dramas doesn't mean you're lying by omission or whatever.

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  7. Thank you, Jenn. I get what you're saying about it being less real. Sometimes you just need to keep things to yourself and even allow yourself to gain some perspective on it.

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  8. Haha. I mean I know people say things happen for a reason to make it easier to handle but... still.

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  9. Thank you, Kiersten! The phrase "everything happens for a reason" is a nice thing to say for the people who have to deal with the aftermath, I know, but it's still such a bullshit phrase. I guess it shows that I'm not particularly religious but I don't think everything has to have some grand design to it. People live and die, that's life. (okay that sounds more morbid than I intend it to!)

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  10. God, yes. It's life. That's how it works. It doesn't mean less or more if it "happened for a reason" or not.

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  11. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through lately. Life always happens, and trying to wring a blog post or moral lesson out of it isn't going to make the pain any less.

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  12. I don't think it sounds morbid! As well-intended as I know it is, I think that "everything happens for a reason" undercuts people's right to grieve. As though - well yeah your child was just murdered but there was a reason, so have faith that God has a plan and someone else is learning a lesson from your awful suffering!. If there is a reason for everything, I REALLY want to know who has this grand plan and what they think they're accomplishing through events like 9/11.

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  13. I respect the hell out of you for feeling this way. Thank you for writing this post.

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  14. My dog died a few months back, and it was one of the most horrible things I've ever been through. Life is crappy and you don't always get a lesson from the random tragedies it throws at you, but know that you are never alone with all of your pain. I really do hope that you're okay lovely x x x

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  15. So sorry about your dog, Kassi! It's always so hard with pets. Thank you for the nice words!

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  16. You know that I loved my brief time in Rollie's presence because he was amazing like all pets are. You are right about not needing to post about the stuff to be "authentic" when that kind of thinking happens that's when people start chasing authenticity and start debating what it even means. Just live, stop trying to be anything and just BE. I wish I could hug you and drink Boone's with you because that's where our hearts are at.

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