Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Oh come on, weddings aren't that bad

Everyone has that acquaintance who hates weddings, and they don't just hate weddings, they despise them so much it's imperative they tell you any chance they get that weddings are boring and awful and oh god, they'd like to be anywhere else but a wedding.

They're probably the same people who repeat ad nauseam that they hate kids as if that's actually an interesting fact to share about yourself. In fact, they're so vocal about it, it makes you wonder if they're actually on to something or if they just really like being a caricature. And you know, I'm going to put my money on the latter.

You don't have to have a certain type of personality or be a romantic to like weddings. You just have to be a person who likes to drink on someone else's dime. So if you think you hate weddings, just consider these things.

1. You are able to drink on someone else's dime. Did I already say that? Even if it's not an open bar, chances are they'll keep the beer and wine flowing (for free). Unless it's a dry wedding, and then I take back everything I've said and I hate weddings too.

2. You can dance and not even have to pretend like you dance well because nobody dances well at weddings. Shake your ass to Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" with abandon, no one's judging. 

3. It's called free food, from appetizers to dessert. Even if you have to pick off an inch of fondant to get to the actual cake.

4. Okay, it's not actually totally free because you have to bring a gift, and not just a gift, but a gift from the wedding registry or else you're a total asshole. But-- if the couple's taste is too expensive you can always just go off-brand and get the cheap version of whatever they asked for. It can serve as a reminder to them that maybe they shouldn't depend on their loved ones to supply that $500 espresso machine Gwyneth Paltrow told them they needed and that maybe they should've asked for gifts people could goddamn afford in the first place. 

5. Don't act like you don't enjoy judging the choices of others. Damn straight I want to see what dress the bride picked and what atrocities she made her bridesmaids wear. 

6. But, hey, it's fun to be inspired too. I like admiring the pretty flowers and cute touches, and you don't even have to put down $6 for Martha Stewart Weddings for the inspiration. 

7. It's called filling that hole in your heart that's been empty ever since you didn't go to prom with fake eyelashes and the kind of tacky dresses you could only get away with wearing to a wedding (or, heh, prom). 

8. I guess it's also about celebrating the union of two people you love. There's that too.

9. But you know, if you don't actually love them, it's mostly about looking hot in a hot dress or suit just to remind people you're hot. Specifically, maybe, that person you slept with who was a total idiot, but I mean, you'd still like to have the upper hand.

10. Maybe, most importantly, though, you can take your shoes off in the middle of the night and no one will care. Or try to steal them. 


  1. Lol! I like weddings. My inner graphic designer loves everything about them - the color schemes, the invitations, the fashion, the decorations. But I'm logically opposed to the whole concept behind them and the wastefulness of it. So when I'm invited to one, or now that I'm engaged, it's like a mental struggle to see which side of my brain will win.

  2. Haha I love this list. I love weddings for everything you just listed. The open bar, looking sexy and free food are the best parts

  3. This is a perfect list. I seriously don't get the people that hate weddings because I'm sold on free booze and food. Add in some judging and crazy ass dancing and it's practically the best thing you could ask for on a weekend night, minus bringing the gift. I hate the gift part...

  4. I love weddings when I'm not in them! Food, alcohol, dancing. What's not to love?

  5. Weddings are SO wasteful, aren't they? It's insane how much money goes into a one-day event. But then again, I would absolutely splurge on a wedding dress if I found one I thought was perfect. The rest of the details I don't care so much about.

  6. Right? You're just being invited to a party--stop complaining!

  7. Okay, the gift parts can suck. Especially, I imagine, when you get to the registry late and everyone else has already bought them the cheaper stuff and then you have to be the person who goes off-registry-- which according to some people is the WORST thing ever. But at least if you spend too much on a gift, you can tell yourself you really deserve all the free wine.

  8. Exactly! Especially when you're just a guest of a guest and you don't have to provide a gift or anything. It's perfect.

  9. The best part about weddings in these parts is the cookie table. . .and by table, I mean a long buffet size table. My mom made 32 kinds of cookies for my brothers wedding. But I think I'd like them more if all the ones I'd been too hadn't been family ones - sometimes it's hard to be yourself when you just KNOW everyone's going to comment on your slightly different behavior, ugh.

  10. Oh wow, that sounds amazing. Also, certain family weddings are kind of a bummer when you don't know anyone but you still have to go because they're family, and then they're just incredibly boring.