Wednesday, September 24, 2014

My list of demands

via

So, apparently Ariana Grande is in deep shit for being a diva or something. I know that's not her above, but if you're going to talk about divas and you don't reference the queen, obviously your priorities aren't straight.

By 'deep shit,' I guess I mean Grande is being written about in tabloids for alleged diva behavior while she continues being a hit pop star who likes to tweet the word love a lot. To be honest, while I have an opinion on her hair, I don't actually have an opinion on her. Or her supposed shitty behavior. 

Probably because I don't actually care how she acts and also because it's my secret fantasy to be a diva everyone is scared of. 

Have you ever thought about your list of demands? I have. 

Here they are:

1. A bottle of wine in every color wine comes in. That includes white zinfandels. Am I ashamed? Oh, I don't know, do I look like I'm fucking ashamed?

2. Stemless wine glasses to drink from. Ideally the ones that have that really sharp angle at the widest point of the glass. Don't know what I'm talking about? Guess you better google that shit.

3. Seasonal Oreos. No, I'm not talking about the peanut butter, cookie dough or those godawful-looking watermelon ones. I mean the Oreos dyed with seasonal colors which somehow manage to taste better than original Oreos even though I don't think they have special flavoring.

4. A case of X-Rated liquor. For when I feel like being classy.

5. Those pretty Italian soda cans to mix with the X-Rated.

6. All seasons of the Real Housewives, every franchise. Yes, even the forgettable D.C. season.

7. Ray-ban Wayfarer sunglasses. In case I forget my Target knock-offs and it's really bright out.

8. A constant supply of finger foods, including but not limited to roasted kale, caprese salad on little toothpicks, cocktail weenies, baked brie, shrimp cocktail and pickled eggs with hot sauce.

9. A luxury cat bed for Plumcat and the kind of steak you only eat on the holidays for her to eat everyday.

10. Just kidding, she doesn't like steak. I just want you to know even my cat is above you.

11. One of those bras that stick to you so you can wear backless dresses with them. You know, just so I can build up my collection.

12. A gift bag of make-up. I assume you'll arrange ahead of time my skin tone and what colors suit me best.

13. A selection of pretty bras. I have this gross habit of wearing the same one over and over. Oh shit, pretend I didn't say that last part.

14. The essence of Beyonce, Taylor Swift and Kristen Stewart merged into one. Is that a weird mixture? Tell a pouty brunette who fucking cares.

15. The tears of all the popular girls from high school.

15 comments:

  1. So #10 is pretty great, I love how you're classifying wine by color, and #15 makes me wonder if diva you is planning some kind of elaborate ritual.

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  2. Also, I had to look up Ariana Grande since all I know is that my six-year-old niece likes her. I was unimpressed. But if I could get away with being a diva, I totally would. Oh, wait, my boyfriend lets me get away with it all the time.

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  3. Oh my God everything about this is perfect! I'm just sitting here laughing about 9 and 10

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  4. Number 1 speaks to me deep inside my soul.

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  5. yes please.


    also, I just want to tell you (again) how much I love this blog. Your gifs are always so on point ;)

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  6. Seasonal Oreos totally taste better. Just had me some Halloween ones and they were on point.

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  7. Your blog never fails to make me laugh. Can you imagine the human personification of Beyonce, Taylor Swift, and Kristen Stewart? That would be the most badass babe to ever badass pretty much.

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  8. What about taco bell? My list of demands would absolutely include taco bell. Oh, and all the red wine that can fit into one room.

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  9. Yeah, I don't think I could name an actual song of hers. All I know is she sang on one of Mika's songs and I prefer the version without her. And I wish I had a good plan for #15, but like a true diva, I think I'm just asking for it, to ask for it.

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  10. Thanks, Kiersten! Can you even imagine how some celebrity pets live? I don't think I want to know,

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  11. Thanks, Nicole! That's so nice to hear you say!

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  12. We just bought those too! I don't know why they taste better but THEY REALLY DO. The red Christmas ones have been my favorite so far.

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  13. Hahah, yes. While badass either way, I can't decide if she'd be completely insufferable or get like all of their best parts.

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  14. Ooh, good point. I'll put an addendum that I'll need a supply of Nacho Cheese tacos 24/7. And while we're talking about fast food, I should definitely have included Boston Market too.

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