Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Dear Hollywood, please stop with this shit

via

Look, Hollywood. You're great. You created Deep Blue Sea and cast Jessie Spano in Show Girls, one of the greatest movies of the 90s. For that I'll always love you.

But after binging on Netflix, I'm kind of sour on you. I think you know why. But if not, I guess I can spell it out.

1. Stop with the 'love at first sight' bullshit. It's not romantic. It's lazy and boring. The best part of falling in love is the process of falling in love. Just because Shakespeare did it, doesn't mean you can too.

2. It's not actually a rule that you have to divide an adaptation of a book into more parts than it was written. (In other words: Are you serious-- I have to see another fucking Hobbit movie with my boyfriend?)

3. You keep giving Olivia Wilde shitty roles. She's a goddamn goddess and she deserves better.

4. Stop trying to make Spiderman happen. It's not going to happen.

5. It's not right that there isn't a Romy and Michelle's 2. Did they ever pay Sandy back? People need to know.

6. I know it's convenient that man parts are below the waist during sex scenes but it's some bullshit when you lovingly feature an actress's breasts and then conveniently work around the guy's bits. It's called equal representation of nudie parts and one day it'll be in the Constitution.

7. Stop trying to convince me Woody Allen is brilliant. I don't give a fuck about Woody Allen. And I really don't give a fuck about his female characters you desperately want me to fall all over myself for.

8. I don't really understand why Syfy movies aren't being considered for Oscars. Look, I'm not trying to nominate Sharknado but Supergator was goddamn gold and you know it.

9. It's not actually cheeky to wink about the sexist representation of women in movies while solidifying the sexist representation of women in movies. Yes, Seven Psychopaths, that was a passive-aggressive reference to you.

10. Stop hooking characters up and then switch them around and have the characters act like there are no hard feelings. People get weird when genitals are involved. Everyone knows that. No, your fiance is not going to want to attend your wedding to the guy you left him for.

11. Nicholas Sparks books don't make good movies. The only exception is The Notebook and that's only because of Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. And Rachel McAdam's creepy mother who liked to drive to construction sites to stare at the workers.

12. Tangled and Frozen are tied for best movie ever. My 5-year-old niece knows this and I know this. I guess I don't actually have a complaint for this one, except maybe keep making these kind of movies and maybe we'll be cool.

13. Having a woman be 'sassy' doesn't make her interesting or strong.

14. Having a woman be 'sassy' doesn't make her interesting or strong. Oh shit, did I just repeat that?

15. Poor people don't live in apartments with character. Your charmingly bohemian apartment is a goddamn lie and nothing else.

30 comments:

  1. I seriously fucking love you. Are you my twin or something? Everybody keeps saying that Elizabeth Berkley and Showgirls sucked ass. WHAT THE FUCK? That's blasphemy. Fucking assholes.

    Spiderman needs to stop. They should have stopped when MJ and Peter got married. Ugh.

    I loathe Nicolas Sparks. But The Notebook was my shit. Still is my shit. But that's it.

    And Woody Allen is disgusting. I hate him.

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  2. Awesome list!!! Splitting books into multiple movies just to stretch out the profits is one of my biggest pet peeves! I don't hate The Hobbit like you seem to (love the books and Tolkien in general), but I think it was just deutsch-y to take the most light-hearted book Tolkien wrote and then break it into 3 effing movies. There's not enough plot for that!

    Oh, and Spiderman. I am truly baffled that they can just switch actors and act like nothing happened. And the apartments! Waitresses in New York with giant apartments overlooking central park. Uhhh, what now?

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  3. HAHAHA!!! I love all of these... well, except for 12. I've never seen Tangled but Frozen was incredibly over-hyped and actually had poor female role models in my opinion. Now BRAVE is a different story. Love that Scottish princess. Anywho -- this was great!


    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  4. Stop trying to make Spiderman happen. It's not going to happen. - Hilarious.



    Also I loved Tangled. Loved it.

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  5. Love all as usual but a special YES for #1. Also, random kissing the midst of an argument. Or to stop an argument. I would totally shut down someone who did that, because girl's got shit to say. And #13/14, because "sassy" these days just means "stupid emotion-led woman who needs a man's calming influence." And now I'm going to watch Tangled.

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  6. This is incredible hahaha, especially 10! x x x

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  7. oh ABSOLUTELY #1. I've read all of the Nick Sparks books, but the Notebook is the only movie I have seen or will see. I did need for the Harry Potter + the Deathly Hallows to be two movies, because I wasn't ready for the series to end...

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  8. Woody Allen is awful. Can we all just boycott him and everything he had anything to do with forever?

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  9. YES. TWINS. Showgirls is the best goddamn movie of the 90s and anyone who says differently can go fuck themselves. I really need to watch The Notebook in full again. I've only seen snatches of it when it comes on TV. And Woody Allen is completely disgusting. It upsets me every time an actress I like works with him and then speaks about him like he's a genius.

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  10. Haha, I don't hate the Hobbit that much. I mean, I don't love it, but I just like to give my boyfriend shit. I do HATE thaat 20 minute scene with Gollum in the cavern in the first movie though. I feel like because everyone lost it when they premiered him in the second LOTR movie, the filmmakers think people are constantly clamoring for more Gollum and it's NOT TRUE.

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  11. Okay, Kate, I think we're fighting now! I actually haven't seen Brave, but what I appreciated about Frozen is that the 'true love' thing ended up being about sisterly love and not Anna and Kristoff. It was crazy hyped though, when I do think Tangled was better, so I'm not sure why people didn't lose their shit over it like they did Frozen.

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  12. Okay, Tangled is one of those movies I could watch over and over. SO cute. It actually made me appreciate Mandy Moore.

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  13. Haha, yes, random kissing in an argument. Yawn. Or the ever-original passionate fighting to passionate fucking. And you need to go watch Tangled. Unless you hated Frozen... because the characters are pretty interchangeable down to the huge, doe eyes and tiny waists. I think they're adorable though.

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  14. Do you watch Grey's? #10 FOR SURE on that show.

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  15. Haha, fair enough. And I feel like I've seen more Nick Spark's movies than I'd like. The latest was Safe Haven. Ugh. And of course the first was A Walk to Remember. Sorry, Mandy, but no.

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  16. I would LOVE that. I am so over hearing how great he writes women. I don't care about how he writes women, I care about how he treats women in real life.

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  17. Haha. Let's just become Olivia's agents, yeah? I'm sure we could do better.

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  18. First of all. Woody Allen is a sick fucker that married his daughter. Yah, she was adopted but still. You just don't cheat on Mia Farrow. No way. And how fucking deceitful. Ugh!!!
    I love love love me some Nomi Malone. I think I'll go watch it.

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  19. I did like that in Frozen the "true love" was sisterly love. I'll give you that. But there was STILL a cute prince guy for the Anna to fall in love with. What I liked some much about Brave was that there was NO guy. Nope. Nada. It's just about a girl and her own journey -- the journey with her mother of all people. If you haven't seen it, you should. I rank it above Frozen any day though I would rank Frozen over some other things. I will have to add Tangled to my list though.

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  20. Seriously, seriously STOP turning Nicholas Sparks' books into movies. Just stop. Right now. Please and thank you.

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  21. In general I think they spent too much time trying to make The Hobbit be just as big and epic as Lord of the Rings. And bringing in characters who really weren't there (in the books) - like Legolas. So I've got mixed feelings about them.

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  22. YES, YES, and YES to all of these! It's getting old because at least one if not multiple of these are in practically every single movie.

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  23. Anyone that pronounces Versace as Ver-sace is good in my book. And yep, let's just leave it at this: Woody Allen is a sick fuck.

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  24. I'm so glad we agree. A Nicholas Sparks movie in a nutshell: Boring intro, LOVE, more LOVE, oh no fatal secret comes out, DRAMA, more love, DEATH.

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  25. We need to start demanding better, I think. Too bad I watch shitty movies all the time just for the fun of it. I guess I am completely part of the problem!

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  26. I need a hug. Can I get a hug? You and I are twins. I'm serious.

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  27. We're hugging right now if you can't tell.

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  28. I still need to see Brave. I do like the idea that there is no romance at all, but at the same time, I kind of love cute, little romances, which is why Frozen probably doesn't bother me. I do think it's funny that little girls are ALL about Elsa and don't care that much about Anna, when Anna was intended to be the main character/most loved character.

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