Monday, August 18, 2014

Let me count the ways beauty vloggers have ruined my life

Even my Youtube home-page knows I love Katy Perry, crappy pop and make-up tutorials.

If there's anything you need to know about me, it's that I'm obsessed with joint cracking videos Youtube make-up tutorials. Don't doubt me when I say I could easily spend eight hours watching them. I'll do it just to make you eat your words and I'll goddamn enjoy it.

But the thing about these videos is that they're slowly ruining my life. Beauty vloggers, if you come across this, please know everything I'm writing is said with the deepest of love. Sincerely.


1. I can't go without foundation.


And by foundation, I mean really expensive, dear-god-why-do-you-cost-so-much foundation. Do I actually need to cover much? No, not really. But is it absolutely imperative I slather flesh-colored goop all over my face? It is. It really is. 

Also, did ya'll know some people routinely wear foundations too dark for them because they tan their bodies but they don't tan their faces? So they have to match the color to their necks instead? How am I almost 27 and I never knew this? I thought not matching your foundation to your face was sacrilegious. I HAD NO IDEA.




2. I constantly buy make-up I'm not talented enough to do anything with.




3. I know what Coastal Scents is now and I want all of it.


Did you guys know this palette is perfect for people who exclusively wear brown eyeshadows? Wait, that doesn't sound right. I've been a proud owner of this baby since 2009. I still have it. All the brown shades are worn down and all the other shades haven't been touched. Yeah, that sounds more right.


4. I over-explain the shit out of everything.


 

I assume the over-explanations from beauty vloggers are because they've learned to be as specific as possible all the time or they'll get 500+ questions asking the same thing in the comments. Which I can't really fault. But I can fault them for making me more long-winded. Call it a habit picked up from osmosis.


5. I own 25+ make-up brushes.




I mean, I know what I use them for. What they're intended for... well that's to each their own, right?


6. I've learned that you can just want to create cute make-up videos and there will still be people who hate you enough to create Tumblrs about how much they hate you.


Girl, how do you even deal? I can't decide if I'm supposed to hate Michelle Phan after perusing this or if it's just meant to illustrate that there are some creepy motherfuckers on this planet.


7. I've also learned that people get really, really upset when you change your appearance.



There goes that neck lift I've always wanted. (What? I've got a chicken neck, okay?) At least it makes me feel better to know the plastic surgery shaming comes from a concern for bitches misrepresenting themselves and not actual pettiness or anything. 


8. They make me feel bad for saying make-up shaming isn't a thing. 



I'm sorry, Sam. I read the comments on your videos and some are annoying as shit. I get it, okay? I get it.


9. Their always adorable manicures led to my gel manicure addiction. 


Which led to this:


Do you know how gel manicures are removed? You scratch at that shit until it's finally gone. Who knew that would weaken my nails so much?


10. No matter how much I try, my eyes will never look as cool as this. 




 Godamnit, easyNeon. You're beautiful.

5 comments:

  1. I have so many products that I buy, intending to use the way that I've seen them being used, but it never, ever looks the same. Then I am dumb and buy a similar product, hoping for different results!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bahahah!! I haven't watched beauty videos in forever, but I had a serious addiction a few years ago as well and have enough makeup to last me for the next ten years... well eye shadows and blushes!! I think I sold my neutral coastal scents palette on ebay, but I do have two mac palettes full of neutrals - so I don't even know!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I LOVE that you included Sam's video. She's a favorite of mine. I can watch her videos all day. Is that weird?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I want that many makeup brushes. I think I maybe have three because I am the cheapest person ever and I'm like "should I buy that brush or just use my fingertip and save the $12? FINGERTIP IT IS."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Haha, okay so I got most of mine from Coastal Scents for like $30 for a good dozen of them. I mean, I'm sure they're not as nice as MAC brushes, but they work for me. Honestly, I don't think I have anything nicer than the Sonia Kashuk ones from Target. I want to get the MAC 217 blending brush (ugh I sound like such an asshole) but I'm pretty sure it's like $30 on its own. No thanks.

    ReplyDelete