Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Things men love, but women hate.

Did you know men hate red lipstick? And your stupid eyes when you wear too much make-up?

I didn't. This list didn't really beat it into me last fall, but this one was kind of an eye-opener. I don't actually know how old it is, but someone linked to it on Facebook today, which means it's going to live forever and get re-posted two years from now by that college friend who's always re-posting shit and then just writing "lol" above it.

But at least now I have the good sense never to wear heels, peplum shirts or eyebrows again.

So, uh, thanks,

I tried to think about the trends men love but women hate, but then I remembered men's fashion is more boring than sitting in an empty waiting room that isn't even stocked with old Highlights magazines.

So I had to expand my list to include general interests. Don't worry, men. Just like the lists above, I don't hate you. I just hate all the stupid things you're into.

1. Family Guy. Oh, what? There's this really smart cartoon you watch? And you want me to watch it with you? Yeah, sure, I'll watch the Simpsons. Oh shit, you meant that show with the fucking baby.

2. That dumb movie you won't shut up about that's somehow better than the romance you caught me watching on TV just because it isn't a "chick flick."

3. Sports. I mean sports are crazy, right? It's like this whole industry and guys spend shitloads on it. I just don't get it. Don't guys know they're beautiful without all that make-up on their faces? Wait that doesn't sound right. What were we talking about?

4. Your record collection. There's never a time I will care about your record collection. Unless it includes Celine Dion and the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. 

5. Your fucking scarves. (It's possible this one is directed at Johnny Depp exclusively).

6. All those pissing contests you have to take all the time. They're messy and kind of time-consuming.

7. Your deodorant that defines the perfect masculine scent as sharp and yet somehow also musty.

8. That really shitty beer you buy when you plan on pounding them back that leaves a terrible taste in your mouth and isn't that much cheaper than just getting a handle of vodka and some juice to mix it with.

9. The Hobbit movies.

10. Your stupid fucking popped collars and the stupid fucking plaid shorts you wear them with.

Bonus thing women hate: Your idiotic tattoo that doesn't mean anything but that you pretend means something because your stupid explanation of what it means is less embarrassing than how you got it.

Well, that got oddly specific. I guess when I say women hate these things, I mean me exclusively. Was this list sexist and full of generalizations? Huh, well I guess that's what the internet is for.


  1. Love this. My list would include shitty indie movies that aren't good just because they're not "mainstream," stupidly colored hipster shoes, and those sunglasses they hang from shirt necklines to show off chest fuzz. And ah! It reminds me that I have this draft of a sexist guide to men's clothing that I never finished. . .

  2. Haha, I wrote a post on red lipstick back in the day. I DON'T CARE if men hate my red lipstick. I think that's the most important thing.

  3. I hate to admit it .... but I love Family Guy and the Hobbit .... :)

  4. I would add cargo shorts. I hate them.

  5. I would give anything to get rich out of those cargo shorts...but you know. ALSO, YES, I hate that junky beer. Can we just drink vodka cranberries? But...I do love sports.

  6. Ugh, yes. Cargo shorts are the worst. I'm honestly not a fan of shorts on guys period. But I guess that's not really fair in the summer.

  7. I'll drink a vodka cranberry with you any day! Junky beer has no place here. And I'm pretty sure everyone likes sports, right? I mean at least something, like with me it's gymnastics, swimming and ice skating (obviously I only watch sports during the Olympics). I was just trying to come up with the most stereotypical "guy" things to make fun of.