Monday, July 21, 2014

How to fight like a real housewife

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In honor of the season finale of RHONY tomorrow night and the fact that I just marathoned four hours of the show to catch up, I'm bringing you my top ten tips for fighting like a Real Housewife. Because is there really anything else worth knowing?

This post was possibly inspired by watching RHONY Heather manipulate an apology out of RHONY Kristen on that Montana trip that lasted for 10 years even though Heather was the one totally in the wrong (fight me on that one in the comments--I can handle it.)

So Happy Monday, here are some skills you can actually use this week.

1. Yell louder than the person you're talking to. Kind of a given, but if you can't even hear what they're saying, then it's like they're not really saying anything, isn't it?

2. Take an issue with their tone. Always. Taking issue with a person's tone is the easiest way to get out of an argument you aren't prepared for and it makes you look like the one with moral high ground.

3. Repeat their insults back to them when you can't think of your own. And then call them fat.

4. Latch on to even the slightest mention made of your family no matter how innocuous the statement and then never stop acting like that's the absolute worst thing they could have said. How dare you bring my family into this? TOO FAR. (Yeah, Heather, I'm talking to you.)

Get it, Caroline. (via)
5. It's never not a good time to remind someone how many times they've been engaged. And to be really perplexingly upset about it.

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6. Slur something about how everyone's taking everything too seriously because you're drunk and why the fuck isn't everyone else on your level? Calling someone a pig isn't insulting, it's a joke, duh.    
  
7. Throw their deepest, darkest indiscretion in their face whether it's relevant or not. "I'm a bitch? Yeah well who's the bitch who had sex with five different guys in Cabo?!"

8. Over-exaggerate the other person's reaction and act like they are acting really crazy when they aren't so you can pretend to be the cool-headed bitch with a crazy stalker.

9. Say everything is cool to their face and then shit on them when you're one-on-one with the camera I assume always follows you around.

10. Throw a drink, cyst and decease letter (sorry, low blow, Tamra) or your leg for emphasis (not sorry, Aviva).

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I'm just going to end on this video because it's the best thing ever. (Ever.)



6 comments:

  1. I read RHONY as "real hoes of new york"... haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaha lmao

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  2. Now I want to tote around a prosthetic so I can hurl it dramatically into the middle of the room when I've had just about enough of things. I think it would be a good way to end grad school debates that I'm over.

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  3. Haha. Yeah, that's really not that far off.

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