Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Things you can stop caring about past 25

So, I was skyping with Crystal the other day when we started talking about one of her old guy friends. I don't even remember how he came up but I do remember that we chatted about his dislike for me (because why not?). And as we were talking about him, I sat there thinking, "why the hell did he hate me so much?" and I actually let it bother me.

Until, of course, I realized: I didn't like him either. In fact, I actively disliked him. I disliked him from the moment I met him. So why did I care what he thought?

And I realized I spend too much time caring about the opinions of people whose opinions I don't even value. Which brings me to this blog post. I'm done caring about any of these things:

1. The dumb opinion of others. If you're worried what an overly-deadpan buzzkill thinks of you, you should maybe get a hobby. (Yes, I just worked in an insult against that guy--you have to at least give me that).

2. What the popular girls from high school are doing these days. Whether they're pumping out their sixth kid in a loveless marriage (you wish) or shitting on the well-loved trope that popular kids peak in high school, who cares? Nobody deserves to be judged for the rest of their life by the awful person they were in high school unless they were truly terrible--in which case they should be forced to listen to "Popular Song" for eternity.

3. Whether my body looks as good in a bikini as all of the other girls on spring break. Please. As if you get a spring break past 25.

4. What other people think of my clothes. The up-down bitch-stare girls give each other could ruin my day in high school. Now? No fucks are given.

5. If my taste in music is cool enough. Oh hey early twenties, it was sure fun buying the work of artists I didn't even like so I could look cool on the off-chance someone scrolled through my iPod (no one ever did).

6. Shooting whiskey so no one thinks I only like "bitch" drinks. Bitch drinks are delicious. Give me a bitch drink so I can pound it back. I'm game.

7. Whether I'm wearing the right brand. Is GAP not cool anymore? That's not what my ass said while looking amazing in my 1969 skinny jeans.

8. Whether I fit into that mini-skirt that I always wore when I was 20. (Lies. This still kills me that it doesn't fit. That skirt was so fucking cute.)

9. The black-and-white way I used to view the world. You know what? It's nicer living in gray areas. Being judgmental and knowing everything all the time is so goddamn tiring.

10. My imperfections. I mean, yeah, they'll still bother you, but it's not like this ALL-CONSUMING, oh-my-god I'LL NEVER BE LOVED thing they are when you're still in that vulnerable age when you hate everything about yourself.

Monday, July 28, 2014

A smoothie/cash/good stuff giveaway

photo credit: k bost via flickr altered from original Party in the Air

So my best friend over at The Happy Type is turning one this week and in celebration we've got a giveaway to party! If you've ever gone through the recipe section at The Happy Type then you know that smoothies are popular in a BIG way with recipes like the Ultimate Philippines Smoothie, Apple Oat Smoothie, Orange Banana Smoothie, Kiwi and Aloe Smoothie, and the Four Seasons Smoothie.


Since smoothies are a favorite on The Happy Type it only made sense to share the smoothie love with as many people as possible and that's how this little smoothie-inspired giveaway was born. You'll find everything you need to make a smoothie from start to finish with this giveaway. For one lucky winner making a smoothie this summer couldn't get any easer so good luck and remember to check out The Happy Type's smoothie recipes while you wait to see how the giveaway turns out!

While it's The Happy Type's one year blog birthday the whole thing and this giveaway wouldn't have been possible without an amazing blog community. Blogging is not just sharing your newest interests blindly on the internet, rather, the process is about connecting with people. Without meaningful friendships, blogging alone doesn't have the same allure and it's because of these friendships that The Happy Type is proud to turn one and bring you a giveaway in thanks. Now meet some of the amazing ladies who have helped sponsor this giveaway and are themselves an integral part of the community that makes blogging the vibrant and worthwhile pursuit that it is.


Here's a list of what's up for grabs to celebrate The Happy Type's blog birthday!
1 x Magic Bullet + accessories
1 x Superfood Smoothies Book by Julie Morris
1 x 20 paper straws
1 x Insulted drink tumbler with straw
1 x 20 oz. bag of Golden Omega Flaxseed
1x Box of Brewhaha Super Tea 50 ct.
Get an eyeful of what you'll be winning.



$200 in Paypal cash!

1. Giveaway is not open internationally. 2. Winner will be chosen and notified within 24 hours of giveaway's end. Winner will have 48 hours to respond should the winner fail to respond within 48 hours a new winner will be chosen. 3. Winner's entries will be verified in their entirety and if falsified entries are found winner will be disqualified. 4. Winner must have Paypal if they wish to claim their prize. The Happy Type will transfer money directly to winner's Paypal account and is not responsible thereafter.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Letting go: A Joint Post with The Happy Type


Recently Crystal, at The Happy Type, my best friend and soul-mate, decided we should do a joint post on letting go of your ex. We've both had our own embarrassments and heartache and know how difficult letting go can be.

In Crystal's words, even though we like to act super cool there are definitely times when we've been less than graceful falling in and out of love (ed's note: and by love sometimes we just mean lust).

But we've also both gotten through it and can look back and laugh and offer some advice. 



It's normal to have a hard time letting go of someone when you still feel something for them so consider today a reminder or primer for when you really should just work past your feelings and cut the strings.
You Feel Worse After You See Them

Maybe you feel like your heart is breaking and that you can't seem to breath or focus on anything since you and your main squeeze split, and all you seem to think about is when you can conveniently "bump" into them again. While plotting how to run into your ex is definitely a sign that you should take a massive step back, the real proof is evident when interacting with your ex leaves you feeling worse than before you saw them. I used to have an ex that I ran into regularly because we had a class together and a few mutual friends. The sick-to-my-stomach feeling was overbearing and just left me feeling hollow when I was pretty much ignored or when a new girl had caught his eye. I swear that semester could not have ended any faster and it was a sort of weird love-hate thing. I loved to show that I was living well, but I hated how small and insignificant he could make me feel especially when he actually gave me the attention I craved.


Going on an emotional and mental roller coaster is just insane and you have to take stock of how you feel after you interact with your ex. Look past your emotions and really examine how you are being affected by your ex's actions. Chances are they won't be positive. I mean you did stop seeing each other for a reason, right?

You Talk Incessantly About Your Ex

Do you word vomit about your past relationship and your ex to anyone who will listen? If you find yourself talking about them every single day to your friends and family then you NEED TO QUIT. Talking about a relationship can be incredibly cathartic and aid in the healing process when your heart is bleeding, but there comes a time when you have to stop. There's a difference between talking through your feelings after a break-up and sounding like a broken record several months later. Your friends and family want to support you, but they aren't saints. Don't push away your support system because you can't let go of your past with someone who isn't even around anymore.


You Do Crazy Things

Look, we've all been to the crazy house in the name of love. Anyone who says they haven't done something completely out of character or cringe-worthy is an absolute liar. When you fall for someone your emotions can rule your world and doing extreme things like driving by their house at all hours to see if they are home or if they have company, casing their workplace or anywhere that they are regularly is, well, crazy. Trying to make your ex jealous falls well within the bounds of doing crazy things, specifically if you are involving someone else in your actions. I once went on a wild spree of dates with boys that I cared nothing about just to prove a point and I still can't believe that I did something like that. Guys that actually liked me had no idea what was going on and I was creating my own crazy world just trying to make someone that I had minimal contact with jealous. The crazy thing is that they did get jealous and contacted me which just started the whole ludicrous cycle again.


You Try To Reinsert Yourself Into Your Ex's Life

Let's say that you had a messy break-up and all ties were cut between yourself and your ex, but you find yourself trying to re-friend your ex on your Facebook or maybe you just up and joined their study group or gym, hmmm, what does this mean? It means that you are trying to get back into their daily life and that is not a good thing. If you had a dramatic parting then why would you try to get back into their lives?


I know you might be hurting or perhaps you think that the only way to move forward is to make amends and show that there aren't any hard feelings, but that isn't so. If your ending was a knock-down-drag-out brawl of a thing then why would you ever try to be involved with your ex in a completely unnecessary way? Think about it from their perspective as well. Would you like it if your ex was popping up randomly and all you wanted to do was put the whole thing and them behind you? I've tried to wiggle my way back into my ex's life, had it done to me, and even been the significant other of someone who just couldn't shake their ex, so I've experienced this from all angles and let me say that nothing good can come of it. Respect boundaries, respect yourself and stay out of their life. It's seriously the best thing for the both of you.

Relationships and break-ups can make you lose yourself a little bit but that doesn't mean that you you can't find your way back to sanity. I'm not saying that there aren't instances when you can actually become revive a friendship after ending a relationship because that is totally a thing that can happen in special circumstances. However, most likely, when you and your significant other decide to call it quits it's best to make a clean break and just walk away before you or they do something a little crazy. Plus, the faster you let your ex go the faster you can re-focus on yourself and honestly that's where your attention should be after a break-up. If things don't go smoothly and you do one or...ALL of these you're completely normal, or at least you're as normal as me because I've seen and done it all.


Right here, ladies. I got it. (via)
Crystal wants me to talk about letting go. So let's talk about letting go. Or maybe we can just talk about how much I suck at letting go and how cutting the cord isn't one of my strengths either.

My idea of letting go is to ride out the feelings until I just don't care anymore. It's never a conscious decision. It just happens and it's so gradual until one day the feelings are just gone. And then I'm left wondering why I ever felt anything, except I still have the remembrance of how consuming and important all those feelings seemed at the time.

I don't have the experience of a really messy break-up but I know what it's like to be hung up on someone who isn't good for you. 

I was caught up on one guy for a good two years and it was one of those situations that should never have even started, but it did. And I dragged that shit out until I'm pretty sure Crystal was ready to renounce our friendship. This guy and I were never anything official, at least not in the way I wanted to be, but I started to base whether I'd have a good time out with friends if he was there or not.

At parties and social outings, I'd sulk until he showed up but then spend the rest of the night acting coy and pretending "oh I didn't desperately want you to be here--I'm cool." And if he never showed, I'd resign myself to having a less good time. Our moments alone seemed to make everything worth it.

I don't think I ever showed him my crazy like I've done with other guys (shut up bartender, okay), but I let my hang-ups with him go on way too long--to a stupid, annoying degree that stopped me from actually meeting other people and moving on.

You know that Katy Perry song where she's all, "when I'm with him, I'm thinking of you?" Yeah, that was me for months. (Months? A year? I don't even want to remember.)

Oh shut up, Katy. (via)
But the thing is, even if you're not emotionally ready to let someone go, you can physically let them go. And you should physically let them go. Feel what you want to feel in your head, but respect yourself enough to not pursue something that isn't good for you. Did I fully do that? No. But I wish I did because I wasted way too much time on him.

Which is why my new motto is: Cut the ties and let your emotions catch up later. Your pride will thank you and so will your friends who won't have to watch you make the same shitty mistake over and over. I know it's easier said than done, but let's be real:

a) If you're caught up on someone it means you have feelings for them, so wise up and stop pretending it's just a dumb, fun fling and you're just so cool about all of it. You're not and continuing to see them won't suddenly make you cooler with it.

b) They don't care about you the way you care about them. In fact, they probably spend an 1/8th of the amount of time thinking about you that you spend thinking about them.

c) They are never going to be the person you want them to be. Ever.

So stop texting them, stop putting yourself in situations they'll be in and stop closing yourself off from experiences with other people because you're too busy thinking about someone who isn't thinking about you.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

What's better than five best friends coming together to write smart essays and cocktail recipes?

So Crystal recently clued me in to The Page Girls and I'm usually not ahead of the curve on things, so this is pretty exciting. I'm teaming up with them this week to celebrate their Birthday Week, i.e. the launch of their new online magazine.

Each week, The Page Girls publish a themed issue that has short stories, book reviews, personal essays, videos and more. Oh, and cocktail recipes. You can't forget about the cocktail recipes. Like this one. I'm intrigued at the same time that I'm repulsed by the caramel vodka, but I would so try it (because I believe all cocktails should be tried at least once).

But honestly, what really got me interested in their magazine is that they are five best friends who want to emphasize female friendship. And you know what? Rock on. I'm all about celebrating female friendship and I don't know what I'd do without my female friends. Which isn't to alienate women who don't have a lot of female friends for whatever reason (except, of course, if that reason is that other women are annoying), but it's so refreshing to see a perspective different than, "women are too catty to be true friends."

Yeah, obviously not everyone shares this perspective, but I've heard it enough to know it's a thing. And it's bullshit.

Here's where I'd be without my female friends:

1. Still with bangs even though they are annoying as shit to deal with. (Thanks, Crystal).
2. Without stupid tight skinny jeans that fit just right. (Thanks, Sara).
3. Without my appreciation for Essie nail polish. (Thanks Sarah-with-an-h).
4. Without the knowledge that your early twenties are for being young and finding yourself (Thanks, Elissa. Yes, Elissa. You taught me that. It's called Mexico and I remember).
5. Without my appreciation for Syfy movies (Thanks again, Crystal).  

So that's probably why I appreciate that The Page Girls' first issue was LYLAS (Love You Like a Sister). They've also had The Craziest Thing I Did For Love, which included an excerpt of the book Here For the Cake by Page Girl Emily Poule.

I include that last little point, because they're all published, which is, uh, pretty cool. It's also the perfect segue into a giveaway I've teamed up with the Page Girls to bring you.

Enter and you can win these adorable coasters and An Imaginary House by the Sea, an e-book by Page Girl Cecily Gates, which I'm pretty sure would be perfect for reading while lounging out by the pool or beach or just your couch.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

1. Winner will be notified within 24 hours of winning and will have 48 hours to respond. If winner does not respond  a new winner will be chosen.
2. All entries will be thoroughly checked. If entries are falsified a new winner will be chosen.
3. Letterpress coasters will be mailed by The Page Girls from NYC as soon as winner is verified.
You can also enter the giveaways going on daily this week at the The Page Girls.


Or sign up for their weekly newsletter to get notified about new issues, and follow them on Twitter and Facebook.

Monday, July 21, 2014

How to fight like a real housewife

In honor of the season finale of RHONY tomorrow night and the fact that I just marathoned four hours of the show to catch up, I'm bringing you my top ten tips for fighting like a Real Housewife. Because is there really anything else worth knowing?

This post was possibly inspired by watching RHONY Heather manipulate an apology out of RHONY Kristen on that Montana trip that lasted for 10 years even though Heather was the one totally in the wrong (fight me on that one in the comments--I can handle it.)

So Happy Monday, here are some skills you can actually use this week.

1. Yell louder than the person you're talking to. Kind of a given, but if you can't even hear what they're saying, then it's like they're not really saying anything, isn't it?

2. Take an issue with their tone. Always. Taking issue with a person's tone is the easiest way to get out of an argument you aren't prepared for and it makes you look like the one with moral high ground.

3. Repeat their insults back to them when you can't think of your own. And then call them fat.

4. Latch on to even the slightest mention made of your family no matter how innocuous the statement and then never stop acting like that's the absolute worst thing they could have said. How dare you bring my family into this? TOO FAR. (Yeah, Heather, I'm talking to you.)

Get it, Caroline. (via)
5. It's never not a good time to remind someone how many times they've been engaged. And to be really perplexingly upset about it.


6. Slur something about how everyone's taking everything too seriously because you're drunk and why the fuck isn't everyone else on your level? Calling someone a pig isn't insulting, it's a joke, duh.    
7. Throw their deepest, darkest indiscretion in their face whether it's relevant or not. "I'm a bitch? Yeah well who's the bitch who had sex with five different guys in Cabo?!"

8. Over-exaggerate the other person's reaction and act like they are acting really crazy when they aren't so you can pretend to be the cool-headed bitch with a crazy stalker.

9. Say everything is cool to their face and then shit on them when you're one-on-one with the camera I assume always follows you around.

10. Throw a drink, cyst and decease letter (sorry, low blow, Tamra) or your leg for emphasis (not sorry, Aviva).


I'm just going to end on this video because it's the best thing ever. (Ever.)

Friday, July 18, 2014

Friday's Forgettable Five: Things I did for my vanity this week

Me, Friday night. When I forget all this shit. (via)

1. Rediscovered Jergen's Natural Glow. Just so I'll be slightly less pale when I go to a water park this weekend. I've gone to bed every night with it on me and I've woken up every morning to smell it on my sheets. Every morning. The smell. It doesn't go away and it doesn't get better.

2. Caved and bought drugstore mascara after all the youtube gurus told me that you shouldn't spend big bucks on mascara because they're all the same. Thanks for crushing my dreams, assholes. Mascara was my thing. Also, you could have told me that before I spent $30 on Dior's Diorshow Iconic last month.

3. Bought waterproof mascara so I can wear it to the water park and pretend my lashes are just that naturally black and long.

4. Ran way too late one morning because my artfully constructed and then artfully disheveled curls are more important than, uh, punctuality.

5. Thought way too hard about getting bangs again and then thought against it because I hate the way I look when I go swimming and my bangs curl up all ugly after they get wet. That's why I'm not getting bangs.

The moral is... you know those girls who take five minutes to get ready and then still look great, no matter what they do? Fuck them. (No, not really, okay.)

Happy Friday.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Let's stop fighting straw men

So Kate at Thoroughly Modern shared this with me the other day, because that's what friends do. They share things that make your eyes roll so hard into your head that you think your mom's been proven right and your eyes are now stuck.

If you don't care to click on the link, it's a collection of women holding up signs that state why they are against feminism. All of their reasons are basically boiled down to this list:

1. I'm not a victim.
2. I don't hate men.
3. I respect ALL humans.
4. I don't hate men.
5. I take responsibility for myself and my own actions.
6. I'm not oppressed.

And all of their faces are super serious so you know they aren't fucking around.

The only problem?

Nothing they've written is truly against what feminism is about. Feminism /= hating men and if you think it does your understanding of feminism is so lacking that it's almost like you're basing it on... well not actually any feminist theory you've read but what Fox News or an equivalent source has told you feminism is.

You respect ALL humans? Cool. So do feminists. That's because feminism is about dismantling cultural norms that damage BOTH women and men.

You like men? Cool. So do feminists. Yeah, sure, some don't. But there are radicals in every school of thought. What's new?

You're not a victim? Great. Wave that flag. But acknowledging that there are societal issues with how women are treated isn't akin to saying all women are oppressed all the time.

And please don't get me started on "I take responsibility for myself and my own actions." Everyone knows that's code for slut was wearing a short skirt at the party and dared to get really drunk so it's not his fault he raped her! Nope. Sorry. Go home. Why is it that "taking responsibility" is something women should do but not something men need to do? Why are we teaching women to live around men? On what planet is it not offensive to suggest that men can't control themselves and that they become rape machines when they're drunk? Why are you making me ask so many rhetorical questions in a row?

The reality of this "women against feminism" nonsense is that it's a bunch of people fighting against straw men because that's easier than fighting against the real issues--and bonus! stupid guys who don't understand what feminism is will think you're super cool for being against it.

But you know what? There are so many legitimate criticisms of mainstream feminism (just google "white feminism" or Hugo Schwyzer) that you could actually create a valid sheet of paper to hold up of all the things wrong with it. But instead we're holding up sheets of paper that say, "Bullshit bullshit bullshit. I don't know what I'm talking about. More bullshit."

You don't like feminism? Great. Give me a good reason why and don't tell me it's because you just adore men.

Monday, July 14, 2014

The style predicament

Alternate title: Why I'm Jealous of a Kardashian.

And by Kardashian, I mean Kendall Kylie Jenner. I just wanted to say Kardashian because SEO or something.

I'm not entirely sure how old Kylie Jenner is but I know she's young... and I'm jealous of her. Really I'm just envious of how much fun it looks like she's having playing around with her style. I'm talking the blue-tipped hair, the heavy make-up, the clothes. All of it.

You know what I wore when I was a teenager?

Boring American Eagle. And it didn't even fit right. My flared jeans either fit in the butt but were a little too short at the ankle or were long enough but I was swimming in them. And forget about make-up. I barely knew how to put on eyeshadow (though that didn't stop me from having a fully-stocked Clinique make-up bag).

During my freshman year of college (at a fashion school no less), you could characterize my style as 18-going-on-30, because I'd spend my money on Banana Republic and J. Crew cable-knit sweaters.


Finally by my junior and senior year of college I started dressing my age, which basically meant I only wore gray v-necks and high-waisted mini-skirts. And that's basically stuck, though I've traded (some of) the v-necks for more interesting blouses (i.e. the kind of tops LC designs and all style bloggers wear). Like this:

Polka dots? Peplum? Sheer fabric? Basically style blogger bingo. (via Kohl's)

(Full disclaimer: I don't actually own that shirt. Sorry.)

So seeing Kylie as a teen already being able to explore what she likes in fashion, kind of brings up some feelings in me. And I ask myself why at 26 I still feel like I don't have a sense of style that's my own.

Sure, it helps when you have the money and freedom to wear what you want, but there are plenty of people who aren't wealthy who have a very clear, identifiable sense of style. It's just something that's innate for them.

And I'm not sure I have that. I dress well and people have complimented me, but I don't think there's anything special about the clothes I wear. (Confession: I just debated making a collage of some of the looks I've already shared on this blog but then I decided it would come off like I was wanting you to reassure me that my style is adorable.)

If I had to describe my style it would probably be classic trendy, because while I wear trends, I usually keep it pretty understated. But at the end of the day, it's still just trendy... which is what everybody is wearing.

This isn't an insult, but we all have eyes--anyone can see that a lot of fashion bloggers' styles are pretty much just interchangeable. And I want something more unique than that. Which is why I love looking at Haleigh's style at Making Magique because it's fashionable but every outfit she wears is still uniquely her. She's trendy but not excessively so--she's just stylish.

I haven't been sharing any photos of the outfits I wear like I used to at the start of my blog because, well, a) I hate taking photos with a passion that burns brighter than the sun (if you think I'm kidding, come take photos of me and count how many different ways you have to tell me, "okay, your face in that last photo was a little, uh, awkward, let's try it again") and b) I don't think I've been dressing very interestingly lately.

But I want that to change--because you know what, Kylie Jenner be damned, while I never would've dressed like she does when I was a teen because my self-confidence would not have allowed it, I'm way more confident now than ever, and there's no reason I shouldn't dress exactly how I want to.

There's the slight problem that I don't actually have the money to go on a shopping spree at the moment, so I'm thinking I'll probably just start with purging my closet of the clothes I own but don't actually like. And then I'll go from there. Who's with me?

Friday, July 11, 2014

So you're thinking about getting a blog redesign...


Well, there's one piece of advice. Here's another. (Sorry non-bloggers, this will be like an in-joke you don't get. Go be sad about it.)

So I don't have the perspective of a blog designer as I offer this advice, but I do have the mistakes I've made as a customer. Yes, while you would think hiring someone to redesign your blog would be easy as pie and you just sit back while they do all the work, you CAN make mistakes and not even realize it.

The thing is, I haven't had a horrible experience with the end results of any blog design, but I have learned along the way that there are things you can do as a customer that short-change your experience.

1. DON'T say you like something you don't.

Does that seem obvious? Well it's not when you're too nice. Related: Don't convince yourself you like something you don't. BE HONEST. If you don't like something you don't have to be rude about it--just say it's not what you were thinking and then tell them what you did like about it (if anything) or give them some kind of foundation to try something else on. Just don't say you don't like something without giving them anything to work with.

2. Do your research.

Most designers have a portfolio. You know your style. If it doesn't mesh with theirs, why would you even consider hiring them? While good designers are able to craft their talent toward their client's taste, they typically have an identifiable style that runs through each design and isn't hard to determine. If you want their best work, don't ask them to create something that isn't to their taste.

3. Don't accept anything but their best work.

Okay, this is related to #2. If they wouldn't include your design in their portfolio, then what's the point? You're not paying them out of the goodness of your heart. BUT to get their best work, you need to ask for something they would be good at doing. 

4. Don't pick a designer just because you like them personally. 

.... Like your friend. NO. It will just make you too nice. You deserve to get what you want, or at least your money does. You need to be able to be honest and sometimes you can't do that when it's someone whose feelings you're a little more concerned about. 

5. Give them something to work with. 

Are you new to blogging? Great! Go buy a pre-made design on Etsy and just walk away. When I got my first redesign, I didn't want anything. No navigation bar, no about me page, no nothing. I thought it would be too pretentious to even mention a sponsor page. Why? I had one follower. (Thanks, Crystal). And I thought it would look too above myself to have a page like I was some big blogger bitch.

But you know what? A navigation bar, a more thought-out sidebar--it would have made the design look way more interesting and professional. So you need to design for the blog you want--the only thing is, it's hard to know what that is when you're just a newbie blogger. If I were designing my blog today, I would seriously rethink my categories (DIY? Really?), but for now I'm stuck with them. Also, I already don't have a Facebook page anymore. My website is already outdated. So what am I saying? Seriously think about your blog and where you want to take it BEFORE you pay for a redesign!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Things men love, but women hate.

Did you know men hate red lipstick? And your stupid eyes when you wear too much make-up?

I didn't. This list didn't really beat it into me last fall, but this one was kind of an eye-opener. I don't actually know how old it is, but someone linked to it on Facebook today, which means it's going to live forever and get re-posted two years from now by that college friend who's always re-posting shit and then just writing "lol" above it.

But at least now I have the good sense never to wear heels, peplum shirts or eyebrows again.

So, uh, thanks,

I tried to think about the trends men love but women hate, but then I remembered men's fashion is more boring than sitting in an empty waiting room that isn't even stocked with old Highlights magazines.

So I had to expand my list to include general interests. Don't worry, men. Just like the lists above, I don't hate you. I just hate all the stupid things you're into.

1. Family Guy. Oh, what? There's this really smart cartoon you watch? And you want me to watch it with you? Yeah, sure, I'll watch the Simpsons. Oh shit, you meant that show with the fucking baby.

2. That dumb movie you won't shut up about that's somehow better than the romance you caught me watching on TV just because it isn't a "chick flick."

3. Sports. I mean sports are crazy, right? It's like this whole industry and guys spend shitloads on it. I just don't get it. Don't guys know they're beautiful without all that make-up on their faces? Wait that doesn't sound right. What were we talking about?

4. Your record collection. There's never a time I will care about your record collection. Unless it includes Celine Dion and the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. 

5. Your fucking scarves. (It's possible this one is directed at Johnny Depp exclusively).

6. All those pissing contests you have to take all the time. They're messy and kind of time-consuming.

7. Your deodorant that defines the perfect masculine scent as sharp and yet somehow also musty.

8. That really shitty beer you buy when you plan on pounding them back that leaves a terrible taste in your mouth and isn't that much cheaper than just getting a handle of vodka and some juice to mix it with.

9. The Hobbit movies.

10. Your stupid fucking popped collars and the stupid fucking plaid shorts you wear them with.

Bonus thing women hate: Your idiotic tattoo that doesn't mean anything but that you pretend means something because your stupid explanation of what it means is less embarrassing than how you got it.

Well, that got oddly specific. I guess when I say women hate these things, I mean me exclusively. Was this list sexist and full of generalizations? Huh, well I guess that's what the internet is for.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Dear person who doesn't like when other people take things seriously

Do you ever get tired of having to tell people not to take things so seriously?

It must be tough living in a world where people care about things that you don't care about and then actually want to talk about those things, sometimes, to you and sometimes just in proximity to you. 

Does it weigh on your soul that you and you alone know what's important and worth discussing? Is that a heavy cross to bear?
I mean, shit. Why does everyone have to take everything so seriously? Why can't a good movie just be a good movie? Why can't something just be without being dissected and analyzed and critiqued?

Doesn't your friend know it's a buzzkill when she keeps going on about the dearth of interesting female characters in movies?

Why does she always have to make it about that? She takes everything so seriously.

Same with that other guy who's always bringing up the lack of diversity in the media. Look, the movie is based on a book that was written 50 years ago. It's not racist that all of the characters are white men. It can't be racist if it's not intentional.

Same with women. It's not sexist if there aren't any women of substance in a movie. It just means this particular story is about (white) men. And so is the movie before it and that other movie before that one. What's wrong with that?

Anyway, it's not like the media reflects our society. It's just a movie. It's just a TV show. It's just a book written by someone who's spent their entire life living and learning what it means to be a part of our culture. But it doesn't mean anything.

Besides there's that show about all those women prisoners and Magic Mike. So, yeah. Let's talk about the real sexism here. Hasn't anyone seen the bulging muscles they put on men in video games?

It's just so tiring, all this talk about sexual double standards and female objectification in the media. Why do people have to be such prudes? It's just (female) nudity. Everyone (all women) have them. What's the big deal? Male actors get naked sometimes too. At least they pretend the faceless body double's ass is theirs. Does that count for nothing?

When will people stop, like, using their own life experiences and perspectives to critique media representation?

It's just weird people don't get you're the one with the clear perspective. Like your lady friend. Clearly, you're the unbiased one when it comes to portrayals of women in the media because you haven't lived it, so you don't have the chip on your shoulder they do.

Anyway, I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. I know you hate it when people take things too seriously. I wouldn't want you to think I'm too preoccupied caring about the things other people care about.

That would just be awkward, right?

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Money can't buy you happiness...

Except, of course, when it does.

I know polite company shouldn't talk about money (what would the Countess think of me?), but I wrote a Facebook status recently linking to an article that listed both of my degrees as two of the lowest-paying majors and included a self-deprecating mention thanking the article for reminding me of my poor life choices. Hilarious, I know.

A Facebook friend responded by saying, "well when you really love your job, money isn't important."

Well, shit.

A) Thanks for making me look like a shallow asshole. B) Don't we all know that's the truth, but how many of us actually have our dream jobs?

I'm kind of convinced the people who say stuff like, "money can't buy you happiness" are people who don't have to worry about money. Sure, if deep down in your core, you're unhappy, money won't change that. But lots of unhappiness and stress are circumstantial.

So while money can't buy you true happiness, it can buy you these things:

1. Relief from debt.

2. The assurance that if you or your loved one gets hurt, you can cover the medical costs.

3. Health insurance.

4. Dental coverage so your teeth don't slowly rot.

5. A two-week vacation when the stress of your job is too much.

6. A round-trip flight when you want to visit family or your best friend who you only see once in a blue moon.

7. A massive house you can have all to yourself or fill with whoever you want.

8. The ability to pay off your student loans.

9. That goddamn dress you've been coveting and why the fuck won't it ever go on sale?

10. A gym membership.

11. Artisanal foods from Whole Foods.

12. The choice to have the kind of "eccentric" personality Simon Doonan or Vogue would write about. You sunbathe in your pearls and keep a pet tiger?! You don't say.

13. The freedom to pursue your artistic dreams without having to worry about making rent.

14. All the macarons you could want on earth.

15. The ability to travel all over the world for months at a time without working to pay your way.

16. The opportunity to pursue all the dumb hobbies you're interested in.

17. A university library with your family's name on it.

18. A college education.

19. A housekeeper, so keeping your house neat and tidy isn't another item on your list of worries.

20. The peace of mind that you don't have to worry about paying your bills.