Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The art of being a woman

... according to reality TV.

1. Never be anywhere to make friends.

2. Secretly hate all the stupid friends you do have. Dumb bitches.

3. Open a namesake clothing line when you get the chance.

4. Or a line of purses.

5. Or make-up.

6. Or just become that musician you've always wanted to be.

7. Wear overly-coordinated outfits like it's your natural style and just hope no one remembers when you had streaky blonde hair and wore Ugg boots with denim mini-skirts when you still lived in, say, Laguna Beach.

8. Regularly lament how jealous everyone is of you.

9. Go on dates with multiple guys at once so you can meet your true love quicker.

10. Own a big house you can't afford so people can be impressed by how unfurnished it is.

11. Name your kids something French so people know how goddamn cultured you are.

12. Wear bandage dresses like people still care about bandage dresses.

13. Declare a certain type of wine to be your thing and goddamnit if my goddamn cab sav isn't available at every party I go to. 

14. Always wear your hair in long waves with strands artfully pulled over your shoulders.

15. Secretly hate your husband as much as you hate your friends.

16. Have really awkward, forced relationships with your cleaning staff.

17. Tell yourself it's okay that the guy you're seriously seeing is also seriously seeing five other women... who you know and have breakfast with every day... because you all live in the same house.

18. Marry a plastic surgeon.

19. Secretly love when your friends fails so you can feel good about yourself. 

20. Divorce a plastic surgeon.


  1. this whole post was read in the voice of the girl from the "let me take a selfie" song. no lie.




  3. WHY HAVE I NEVER LISTENED TO THAT SONG? I've totally known it's exists too so I have no excuse. I'm googling it now.

  4. It's pure gold ain't it!! Lololololol

  5. I need to keep that name your kids something french on the list, because duh, I want to make a statement upon announcing I'm pregnant. THIS IS A CLASSY PREGNANCY!

  6. "so people know how goddamn cultured you are" YESSS! This post just made my life.

  7. I don't think gold even encompasses it! I'm pretty I'll be reading the post in her voice now too for the rest of time, though.

  8. Haha, thanks. But seriously, if you're ever in doubt about a kid's name just go for Francois or Elodie.

  9. Right?? I mean I know style evolves and gets more polished over time, but c'mon, you're not fooling anyone!

  10. Confession: I really, really like Irish names. Like I LOVE Roisin and Saiorse. But I'd feel kind of pretentious naming my kids that. I still might go for Roisin (it's pronounced Ro-sheen) though, because I just like it way too much. And you will definitely have a CLASSY pregnany!