Thursday, June 19, 2014

How to be a modern country singer

1. Talk about shooting whiskey.

2. Talk about beers and red cups.

3. Don't talk about martinis.

4. Mention your truck.

5. Mention your tractor that you've never actually had sex in but talk a lot about having sex in.

6. Talk about how you work hard and play hard.

7. Insinuate city people are less real than you.

8. Repeat that you work hard in case people forgot.

9. Mention alcohol again, but nothing fruity.

10. Lament your lost love that died in a car crash.

11. Lament your lost love that married someone else.

12. Lament your lost love that cheated on you.

13. Don't mention your lost love is from high school when you still thought platform flip-flops were the shit.

14. Appeal to your audience's sense of patriotism.

15. Do it again.

16. And again.

17. Say you don't stop til the job gets done in case any listeners were still doubting that you work hard.

18. Celebrate the underdog.

19. Oh wait, shit. I meant celebrate the all-American football star.

20. Talk about that time you shot your lover in a jealous rage.

21. Mention God at some point. 

22. Talk about how staying married is the only way to solve your problems.

23. Equate stubbornness with a strong moral character.

24. Talk about your strong moral character.

25. Cheat on your wife.

(This post may or may not have been inspired by an article in US Weekly that I read on a flight last weekend about Jason Aldean and his mistress turned girlfriend.) 


  1. lololololol this post cracked me up!

    also, i think i unfollowed you on twitter... sorry about that... i followed again. i was just cleaning out my twitter :)

  2. Snicker. And maybe throw in some weird euphemism for sex or lament that girl who's with another guy but SHOULD be with you because her life is so shitty without you and why can't she realize that.

  3. BHAHAHA! I admit that I like country music... well, at times at least. But yes, yes and yes to everything in this post!


  4. Yes, girl, yes. We should be a country duo except that we can't sing or play instruments. DANG IT.

  5. Haha, no worries. Glad you liked the post!

  6. Oh of course, we can't forget about that. But seriously, why wouldn't you want to be with that guy? He sounds great.

  7. This is excellent! All of these tips were on point! lol I do admit that I love Pistol Annies and a little tiny bit of country, but for the most part, I find it redundant.

  8. Okay, I do love the Pistol Annies too! Full disclaimer: I love a lot of country music. I guess it's a love-hate thing. It can be super redundant but also super catchy. I just really, really, REALLY dislike Jason Aldean.