Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The art of being a woman

... according to reality TV.

1. Never be anywhere to make friends.

2. Secretly hate all the stupid friends you do have. Dumb bitches.

3. Open a namesake clothing line when you get the chance.

4. Or a line of purses.

5. Or make-up.

6. Or just become that musician you've always wanted to be.

7. Wear overly-coordinated outfits like it's your natural style and just hope no one remembers when you had streaky blonde hair and wore Ugg boots with denim mini-skirts when you still lived in, say, Laguna Beach.

8. Regularly lament how jealous everyone is of you.

9. Go on dates with multiple guys at once so you can meet your true love quicker.

10. Own a big house you can't afford so people can be impressed by how unfurnished it is.

11. Name your kids something French so people know how goddamn cultured you are.

12. Wear bandage dresses like people still care about bandage dresses.

13. Declare a certain type of wine to be your thing and goddamnit if my goddamn cab sav isn't available at every party I go to. 

14. Always wear your hair in long waves with strands artfully pulled over your shoulders.

15. Secretly hate your husband as much as you hate your friends.

16. Have really awkward, forced relationships with your cleaning staff.

17. Tell yourself it's okay that the guy you're seriously seeing is also seriously seeing five other women... who you know and have breakfast with every day... because you all live in the same house.

18. Marry a plastic surgeon.

19. Secretly love when your friends fails so you can feel good about yourself. 

20. Divorce a plastic surgeon.

Monday, June 23, 2014

How to maintain long-distance... friendships

Did you think I was going to say long-distance relationships? Yeah, sorry. I've got nothing on that. Except that I'm pretty sure I would suck at them. I try, however, not to suck at long-distance friendships because losing touch with good friends has to be one of the worst parts of getting older.

My late teens and early twenties were spent finally coming out of my shell enough to make real friends, but it was only inevitable we'd all part ways chasing new jobs, relationships or fresh-out-of-college dreams.

I'm still not perfect at maintaining long-distance friendships--in fact, I'm really bad sometimes--but when my best friend and I moved away from each other, losing touch was NOT an option.

1.  It's called Skype. Yes, there's always the phone (if you live in the same country) or text messaging, but actually being able to see their face when you talk makes staying connected so much easier. Plus, I don't know about you, but I'm super lazy and I get really tired of holding a phone up to my ear. Besides, when you Skype you can get screenshots like this:

2. Nothing is too inane to text/Facebook/g-chat about. Seriously. Share all of your stupid thoughts with each other. It will maintain a routine of talking and keep you involved in each other's lives. But note, I did say text. Don't call every time you have something dumbass to say. Send it to them to read at their own leisure. 

3. Make sure your communication doesn't reduce to only speaking through messages. I can't count the number of times I've started to tell a story to a friend through email or Facebook message only to delete it after deciding it'd be too much effort to try to describe in writing. There are some stories that just need to be said verbally. 

4. Don't take it personally when you send a good, long-distance friend a message and they don't respond for a few days. You know they always respond, so shut up and stop being dramatic about it.

5. Send each other care packages that actually show you care (i.e. in-jokes no one else gives a shit about, crappy movies you both like and make-up. Always make-up.)

6. Make a point to ask about the other person's life. Don't immediately launch into your latest problems or news about yourself every time you contact them. That's not staying in touch. That's you becoming the friend everyone ignores.

7. Don't think "liking" a friend's status is the same as taking a moment to actually write them a thoughtful message. Related: keeping in touch /= writing "miss you!" on their Facebook page every now and then. 

8. Don't let a good, long-distance friend find out about a major life event on Facebook at the same time all those people from high school you don't like but added anyway find out. There's no excuse for that thoughtlessness. 

9. But if your friend did tell the world about her new job/engagement/pregnancy before privately telling you, don't act like you didn't see her status. Of course you did. Either congratulate her and get over it or tell her you're annoyed but don't passive-aggressively pretend you didn't see the announcement. 

9. Don't act like your life is just SO busy that you can't take a second out to respond to a friend's email. Bullshit.

10. Don't use your phone conversations to rehash the same topics over and over and oh my god are we still talking about that loser you dated? 

11. Keep a lazy list of the things you want to talk about when you chat again. Nothing is more annoying than skyping with a friend who lives overseas, only to hang up and immediately remember what you wanted to say. (Especially when you're lazy and don't want to type it out). 

12. Don't think you can't revive a long-distance friendship that's gone stagnant. All it takes is a Facebook message or phone call and a little bit of follow-through. But it's also okay to recognize that after several dead-end attempts to maintain a long-distance friendship, sometimes it's just not worth it.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

How to be a modern country singer

1. Talk about shooting whiskey.

2. Talk about beers and red cups.

3. Don't talk about martinis.

4. Mention your truck.

5. Mention your tractor that you've never actually had sex in but talk a lot about having sex in.

6. Talk about how you work hard and play hard.

7. Insinuate city people are less real than you.

8. Repeat that you work hard in case people forgot.

9. Mention alcohol again, but nothing fruity.

10. Lament your lost love that died in a car crash.

11. Lament your lost love that married someone else.

12. Lament your lost love that cheated on you.

13. Don't mention your lost love is from high school when you still thought platform flip-flops were the shit.

14. Appeal to your audience's sense of patriotism.

15. Do it again.

16. And again.

17. Say you don't stop til the job gets done in case any listeners were still doubting that you work hard.

18. Celebrate the underdog.

19. Oh wait, shit. I meant celebrate the all-American football star.

20. Talk about that time you shot your lover in a jealous rage.

21. Mention God at some point. 

22. Talk about how staying married is the only way to solve your problems.

23. Equate stubbornness with a strong moral character.

24. Talk about your strong moral character.

25. Cheat on your wife.

(This post may or may not have been inspired by an article in US Weekly that I read on a flight last weekend about Jason Aldean and his mistress turned girlfriend.) 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Don't call my niece shy

My face when you say something about my niece being quiet. (via)

It's probably fair to say that when it comes to my 4-year-old niece, I'm a little bit biased. I can't help it. I watched that little girl come into the world and that does something to you, you know?

At 4, she's got lots to say and she throws around phrases like "meddling sycophants" (which I think is a Scooby Doo reference) without blinking, but she gets a little reserved around people she isn't comfortable with yet. And this leads some people to make comments like, "oh, you're so shy!" or "how quiet you are!" And I know it's not ill-intentioned, but here's what happens when you call out a shy person for being shy:

1) They become even more shy because now they're self-conscious about being shy and the system overloads.


2) They become super awkward because they are trying to over-compensate for being shy.

And you know what? My niece doesn't need that. She might grow up to be an extremely outgoing person... or she might grow up to be an incredibly shy person, but for now new people make her a little cautious.

But, while I've written about being shy before, I'm really over shyness being treated like it's something that needs to be fixed. And I'm really, really over being labeled as shy just because I don't constantly have a stream of words coming out of my mouth.

So I guess what I want to say is: Outgoing people who can't handle the sounds of silence, stop projecting your shit onto my niece.

Okay, I know. I know. I don't really mean that. I love outgoing people--they bring me out of my shell and they are the perfect people to have as your best friend. But there are already a million pressures on young people, do we really need to add "being outgoing with all people, all the time" to that list?

Not to mention, it's kind of bullshit that when someone is described as having a "big personality" what people really mean is that they are loud, as if that alone makes someone interesting.

You can be loud and boring and you can be shy and boring, and it's not determined by how many words you say in one day.

But, I mean, I still wish I could be like Jennifer Lawrence. OBVIOUSLY. Just leave my niece out of it, okay?

Monday, June 9, 2014

How to learn to stop being the Cool Girl and grow up

Full disclaimer: when I was in high school, I was definitely a Cool Girl. You know the type--the girl who thinks she's better than other women. More fun. More laid back. Less dramatic. Less cliché.

Like I was the only girl ever who had a sense of humor and could take a joke.

It was when I was still figuring out my feminist ideals (i.e. my thoughts on feminism were as stupidly composed as most celebrities' thoughts are on the matter) and I was receiving basically zero attention from guys, so you could say I was over-compensating.

Like Taylor Swift in "You Belong with Me," I desperately wanted guys to see how much cooler I was than their girlfriends. Because I was way cooler... for reasons I can't really articulate now, but you're never wrong as a teenager, you know?

Then I went to college and made real friendships with a whole, wonderful slew of women and officially claimed myself as a feminist. I finally left my Cool Girl self in the past. (I think it just took some introspection that I didn't have time for in high school because I was too busy being right about everything.)

But I'm writing this blog post because for some women the Cool Girl just won't die. She's the woman who doesn't have any female friends because we talk too much. She's the woman who thinks we're all jealous of her. She's the woman who "can't identify" with other women because we only like to talk about weddings and babies.

She's the woman who can take a joke. She brags about shooting whiskey and isn't interested in fashion because she's too busy with important issues like which goddamn sports team just won.

And you know what? I get it. Women are brought up being told how we look and how attractive we are to men is one of the most important aspects about ourselves.

But what I also know is that we're better than this shit. We're better than putting each other down to get a pat on the head from a sexist guy. We're better than disregarding the billions of other women and girls on this planet in our zeal to appeal to one guy.

The next time you express your distaste for other women, ask yourself why you're doing it. Do you really think you're the only worthwhile female on earth? Does that even statistically make sense?

Maybe we need to look around and realize there are so.many.fucking.women on this earth and we all like different things and have different interests and you're bound to find a group of women who are into the same stupid shit you are and that appealing to men isn't the end goal our lives should be about.

And just so we're clear. No, women don't dislike you because they're jealous of you. They dislike you because your disdain for your own gender is so crystal clear that it's physically intolerable to be around you. Like I'd rather admit to the world that Avril Lavigne is my guilty pleasure than be anywhere near you.

But you already know that. You just use the "all women are jealous of me" excuse because sexist men will happily lap that shit up. But what I want to know is... why are you trying to appeal to those men?

Thursday, June 5, 2014

21 things only a sarcastic bitch would understand

Let's first acknowledge Romy and Michelle are the best of people. (via)

Oh hey, sorry to interrupt your reading of "21 Things Only a Cat Lover Would Understand" to bring you this blog post. Or were you reading, "21 Things Only a Person Who Travels Would Understand?" My mistake. Personally I was reading, "21 Things Only [This Very Specific Type of Person] Would Understand" and I wasn't that very specific type of person so it was just kind of awkward for me.

That's why I'm creating my own list. So people who don't identify feel the same awkward sense of outsider-ness I felt reading that post about things only a redhead would understand.

The 21 things only a sarcastic bitch would understand:

1.  When you say you love something and the person you're with doesn't recognize you were actually expressing your hatred. (Ed's note: Kind of like when I told a friend once, "I love how [Stephanie Meyers] named their daughter Renesmee." Her: "Oh I know! I think it's unique!" Me: "Oh... uh... yeah.")

2. When you just watched the shittiest romantic comedy on earth with a couple friends and you have to decide whether to list all its faults or just smile and mention how hot the lead is so you're not THAT person.

3. You're the person who was never actually in awe of Elle Woods' wardrobe in Legally Blonde.

4. You're not Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte or any insufferable mix of the four. But you'll still watch the show, because why the fuck not? It's fun.

5. You stopped thinking the Chicken Soup for the Soul books were inspirational past middle school.

6. You were super annoying in high school.

7. You never liked How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.

8. Or Sweet Home Alabama. (oh hush Lynryd Skynrd fans, I mean the movie)

9. But you have a soft spot for Moulin Rouge. Because who doesn't?

10. You don't cry at weddings but feel like you should.

11. You do however cry everytime at About a Boy when he starts singing in front of the crowd.

12. You fucking hate Pinterest.

13. You identify with Liz Lemon to a degree you shouldn't be proud of.

14. You didn't even cry at the Red Wedding, because you know what? You just didn't care about that storyline that much.

15. You think every relationship in Hollywood is fake even though you don't really know jackshit about Hollywood.

16. You're not impressed by Vogue or the rich socialites featured in the pages but you know the name of every model in the magazine.

17. You love Taylor Swift because that's just life and everyone loves Taylor Swift.

18. You're used to saying things that are supposed to be jokes but then they come out and they sound really harsh and now you're the bitch.

19. You're hardcore rooting for Cersei. 

20. You don't really care for cutesy shit like "Charlie Bit My Finger."

21. You constantly have to defend your love of Katy Perry from your other friends who are dumb, sarcastic bitches.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Dunce peeves

This is my face 99 percent of the time. Un-fucking-impressed. It's not because I'm a huge bitch. It's kind of just my face, I swear. But it does come in handy when I want to talk about all my pet peeves. Because that bitch in the picture has A LOT, I'm sure.

And I started off today annoyed almost immediately and it hasn't let up, so you know what? Let's just do this.

Let's talk about our pet peeves. This isn't about positivity. This is about FEELING.

1. I really, really dislike when cars don't know how to merge. Get your shit together, okay? Nobody has time for you.

2. Nobody wants to hear the hour-long version of how you met your boyfriend/girlfriend. Nobody.

3. The fact that I'm supposed to be impressed that Blake Lively doesn't have a stylist.

4. When you go somewhere with a group of people and figure out the place you're going to is closed or whatever and some smart-ass in your group has to say, "oh yeah, I could've told you that!"

5. People who can never be informed of anything. As in the people who always say, "yeah, I know" to everything whether they know or not, they just hate admitting that anything you've told them is new information because they're that person.

6. People who balk at drinking before noon. Boxed wine goes bad you know.

7. When my favorite band approves the use of their song on Grey's Anatomy and then I have to struggle with not being a pretentious douchebag about it.

8. IKEA and every goddamn person in the store.

9. When you complain about how someone copied you but your own idea was in no way original. Like the girl in my art class who once bitched about someone copying her idea for a fridge magnet, which was bacon and eggs. Bacon and egg magnets. Who'd have fucking thought?

10. Posts that make me sound really negative even when I'm not and oh god, it's too late now.  

Monday, June 2, 2014

Giveaway Monday

Someone was too busy watching Game of Thrones last night (sidenote: holy shit!) to write a new blog post, but here's a Monday treat if you haven't entered this giveaway yet hosted by Nicole at Treasure Tromp, myself and several other lovely ladies.

Treasure Tromp May / June Giveaway
ChemGradBoom | Club Narwhal | True Colours
Erica Jacquline | The Style Dunce | Love, The Campbells | Treasure Tromp
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Happy Monday!