Monday, May 12, 2014

The dumb things we say

(via giphy)
Apparently I like to write about the stupid things people say. Well, everyone's got to have a trademark, right? And it's not like I don't say all these things too, so really we're all in it together.

What dumb things are we saying this time? So glad you asked:

1. "Stop with the [blank]-shaming."
I don't have an issue when shaming is preceded by slut, victim, body or etc (in fact I'm a total advocate of people indeed stopping that shit), but we've reached a point where every criticism of anything is being classified as some kind of shaming. Make-up shaming? Yeah, that's not a thing.

2. "Well that's your opinion." 
I learned in ninth grade English not to precede anything I say by, "in my opinion," because of course it's my opinion--I'm the one saying it. Except I still do it sometimes when I'm around particularly touchy people who don't know what to say when threatened by somebody else's opinion other than, "well that's just YOUR opinion!"

3. "I'm just playing the Devil's advocate."
No, what you're just doing is being annoying. Free speech and all that but not all opinions are valid and the devil's advocate is usually trying to validate a position that's stupid and shouldn't even be humored.

4. "[Blank] is problematic."
You know what's really problematic? The fact that you know something is offensive but you're not even eloquent enough to make a real statement about it. Form your thoughts and get back to me.

5. "I'm a truth cannon." (see also, "I just like to keep it real.")
What you are is someone who puts their foot in their mouth a lot (hey, I get it) and over the years, you've convinced yourself it's an adorable trait.

6. "That's so ironic."
I never use the word irony if I can help it. Why? Like most people, I barely know what it means.

7. "That's so funny." 
If it was soooo funny, you'd be laughing, not laughlessly telling someone how funny that thing they just said was.

8. "I hate drama." 
 Shut up. You love it. So do I.

9. "The founding fathers would be rolling in their graves."
Would they really? Or are you just projecting your own shit onto someone you've never met because romanticizing the past is an easy way to emotionally appeal to people?

10. Any buzz phrase in any Jason Aldean song ever (i.e. the lyrics to "The Only Way I Know.") "That’s the only way I know/ Don’t stop 'til everything’s gone/ Straight ahead, never turn round/ Don’t back up, don’t back down/ Full throttle, wide open."
The fuck does that even mean? What's everything? And what do you have to do to make it gone? Oh that's right. It's just one, empty "I work hard" buzz phrase after another. Thanks, Jason.

Bonus phrase: "That's so gay." What is this, 2000? Try harder.


  1. Ugh! Yes! Please remove all "Devil's advocates" from my social circle, immediately.

  2. I actually don't like drama. Seriously. But I love this list. Especially #2, #3 and #5. They all kind of go together, don't they? Like real issues are just a topic for debate and not a part of people's actual fucking lives. Like being an asshole is okay because lots of people are assholes, and blah blah so PC blah blah. I hate that term, too, political correctness, and the way people use it to dismiss real concerns like being a decent fucking human being is a choice and a front.

  3. Haha, okay I do believe plenty of people don't actually like drama... but it's usually not the people who insist on hating drama in between shit-stirring like it's their job (i.e. the people who usually say how much they hate drama).

    And I really hate when people despair over having to be "politically correct" because you know they just mean, "so mad I can't be openly racist (sexist/homophobic/etc) anymore!" And you're so right, #2 and #3 definitely reflect a certain amount of privilege, to even be able talk about issues like they are some abstract issue.

  4. I WILL! And gladly. Right when I remove them from mine.

  5. Hahaha, I remember how much you hate someone trying to play the other side when you're ranting (dude, I get it because I hate it too). The truth cannon comes from the Real Housewives. You expected that right?

  6. I never say "devil's advocate - I prefer "devil's avocado". I think that people take me more seriously.

    also, do people actually say,"I'm a truth cannon"?

  7. Haha, love "devil's avocado." And to be honest, the only time I've heard "truth cannon" has been from a Real Housewife, but they realistically represent people, right?