Friday, May 23, 2014

Friday's Forgettable Five #3: The most forgettable beauty advice ever

As someone who actively seeks out Youtube beauty tutorials for fun and has read every shitty women's magazine on earth, I've heard a lot of make-up advice. Some of it's good--like curl your eyelashes to look more awake.

And some of it's like this:

Tip #1: Brush dark eyeshadow along the sides of your nose to make it look smaller. 

This advice comes from Seventeen circa 1999 and was basically a precursor to today's contouring craze. But you know what wasn't available in 1999? Youtube beauty tutorials about how to contour. My sister and I brushed rigid strips of dark shadow onto our noses. Thanks, Seventeen. You could've at least told us to blend.

Tip #2: Rub a lemon wedge on your face to bleach freckles.

A) Fuck off with telling people they need to "fix" their freckles. B) Fuck off for thinking I'm going to rub lemon on my face. "Oh hi, my name's Katie and I cut up lemons to rub them on my face because that's the kind of shit I'm into." Uh yeah, no thanks.

Though while we're on the topic, can we please stop with the "I love my freckles" exclamations when describing the "imperfections" you love about yourself when the only freckles you have are an adorable smattering across your nose? I'm looking at you, Rachel Bilson.

Tip #3: Spray milk onto your hair. 

This tip comes from that same Seventeen issue. I don't even remember the benefits (though a google search tells me milk apparently helps make hair soft and shiny), but I do remember how fucking disgusting it made my hair. Who sprays milk into their hair? I guess I missed the part where you're supposed to then wash it out.

Tip #4: Ring your entire eye with eyeliner.

Look, Pippa and Kate. I know ringing your entire eyes with black eyeliner is your thing, but WHY? Have you ever asked yourself WHY? There's no better way to make small eyes look even smaller than defining that fact for everyone.

Tip #5: Don't drink out of straws to avoid mouth wrinkles. 

This advice is straight from Lauren Conrad, so do with that what you will. I'm just not sure I can relate to anyone who is so worried about wrinkles around their mouth that they don't drink out of straws. Is this the future?


  1. Well, I guess I've been working on mouth wrinkles for roughly 27 years now, no point in turning back now.

  2. Ah, contouring. I remembering buying all these blush palettes circa 2000 to "bring out my cheekbones." And then I had three pink stripes on each baby fat cheek. Not cool, Seventeen.

  3. Fun fact: lemon juice on your skin can cause second degree burns if you go out in the sun! I'm not even kidding, I saw a video about a bunch of little girls who were playing with limes at a pool party and ended up all injured. Wait, let me find it so you know I'm not making this up...

  4. Hahah. I just bought a blush palette not too long ago from Revlon that has a light pink, a darker pink and a brown in it that you're supposed to contour with, but I don't think I've attempted the brown more than once. Seriously, not cool Seventeen.

  5. Haha! Oh lord, that is crazy. But a good thing to know... if at least to advise my niece against.

  6. I thought we WERE supposed to drink out of straws to keep our teeth white... GOD, LC!

  7. Haha! UGH. We have to choose between white teeth or wrinkles. I guess I'll just buy lots of Crest white strips.