Monday, April 21, 2014

Things I Hope My Niece Will Learn on Her Own

Several months ago, I wrote a list of the things I'd like to teach my niece, but I think it's fair to say that sometimes the lessons that stick with you the most are the ones you learn on your own. Which is why, if she's anything like me, she'll probably learn these things eventually without the help of anyone else:

1. Brussels sprouts are amazing. I'm just going to start on this because they are. You'll grow up being told they're horrible and it's all a lie.

2. Never say never. That's not a Justin Bieber reference. It's you learning that the universe has a funny way of making people eat their own words when they claim they'd never do something. You'd never throw back enough vodka shots to make out with your bestie's gross friend? YOU AND ME BOTH SISTER.

3. A long-bob really is the perfect haircut for most situations.

4. UV Vodka sucks.

5. Those classic books you're forced to read in high school don't actually suck. It really is just you being an asshole teenager.

6. "Friends" who never actually make an effort to inquire about your life aren't actually friends and it's okay if you don't invite every single person you've ever met to your wedding.

7. Shock Top's Raspberry Wheat beer is the perfect end-of-day beer and--score--you can buy it in a grocery store.

8. You don't need to find yourself in high school. People will act like you do. It's not true.

9. High-waisted skirts just look good.

10. Nobody will ever like listening to what you dreamed about last night in any situation.

11. Amy Poehler is everything. (I know this is all about what you'll learn on your own, but if she's not still relevant when you're a young woman, I'll dust off the Parks and Recs DVDs that I'll buy for this very purpose just to show you.)

12. Passionate opinions can breed dismissive assholes who'd rather tell you to not take things so seriously than to actually critically think about something.

13. It is never okay to litter.

14. Some people are just losers. I'm not talking about people who like "nerdy" interests. I'm talking about my college friend's boyfriend who decided one night to throw large rocks at cars parked in the lot at their apartment complex.

15. Angled bangs really are something you have to do in your 20s. We'll get it.

16. Romance isn't dysfunction and toxic relationships. It's mutual respect and the knowledge that you're actually a priority to another person.

17. People who say they don't like "drama," really, really, really like the sound of their own voice.

18. Curry is a necessary weekly meal.

19. Nail art is never worth the time it takes.

20. Your worth is not in what other people think of you.

But you know, it's okay if you don't come around to all of these points. I'll still be your aunt.


  1. The point about Amy Poehler is REALLY important. I might have to make a list for both of my nieces.

  2. #10: So unbelievably true. As someone who doesn't remember their dreams, I feel no inclination once so ever to hear someone else's. If I don't have the desire to remember my own dreams, I'm not too into yours. #nooffense #butseriously

    #17: I just...yes.

    #19: Nope. Not at all, not even a little bit. I will continuously wear one color on my nail until the end of time because I can barely wait for that to dry completely, much less a cute little design that took 2+ hours that I end up messing up in .5 minutes.

    #20: A daily message I repeat to myself :)

    You and lists = gold.

  3. These are all really good advice. I just can't get on board with #1.

  4. I get you on the curry. I need some right now! Ok, maybe not now now for breakfast.

  5. yes to all of these. No, double yes.

  6. DO IT. And Amy Poehler is pretty much wonderful. Leslie Knope might be one of my favorite TV characters ever.

  7. Haha, thanks Zauni! And as for nail art... I can manage simple stuff like polka dots but I really don't understand how people actually draw things. Never happening. Maybe I'll pay someone else to do it with the gel polish so it at least lasts for a couple weeks, but I'm not even that impressed with gel polish.

  8. Haha, fair enough. (I just hope you've tried them roasted!)

  9. Haha, I'm sure it works great for a late breakfast. It also makes really great left-overs, so basically, curry is just amazing.

  10. Aren't brussels sprouts amazing?! I could probably eat them roasted every single day. That's not exaggeration, it's how much I love brussels sprouts.