Wednesday, April 9, 2014

How to succeed at apartment hunting*

*according to HGTV.

Not to brag or anything, but I watch a lot of House Hunters. It's a stop-talking-to-me-nothing-coming-out-of-your-mouth-is-worth-anything-because-House-Hunters-is-on kind of devotion.

So when my boyfriend and I started looking for apartments, obviously I had a lot of background knowledge and knew what I was looking for based on years of grooming from the best show to come out of HGTV (sorry, Property Brothers).

So I've condensed my knowledge into what I'll call "The Style Dunce's Official Guide to Apartment Hunting: From an Expert on House Hunters Who Remembers when Suzanne Whang Was Still Hosting."

My failproof checklist:

___ If you're part of a straight couple, make sure you let the realtor know that your boyfriend is all about sticking to the budget while you're all about aesthetics. Giving your realtor relatable gender cues to work off of will make it easier for everyone.

___ Ask about stainless steel appliances and granite counter-tops as quickly as possible so you don't have to waste your time if the apartment hasn't entered the modern age yet.

___ Multiply how many people will be living in the apartment by three to determine how many bedrooms you'll need. If you have to ask what the extra space is for (entertaining, duh), you can't afford it.

___ Force your realtor to fake laugh at least once as you comment on how the walk-in closet might just be big enough for your girlfriend's shoe collection. (Get it? Because girls hate shoes so we have really small collections which would never actually fill a large closet. Like, that's the joke right?)

___ Assert a really stupid preference that 90 percent of people think is stupid but that you insist must or must not be present in your apartment. (i.e. "natural wood floors? BARF!" or "I'm disappointed this place doesn't have lime green tile. I'm really not sure about it now.")

___ If you're not sure about the size of something, lean toward thinking it's too small.

___ Don't look past superficial things like wallpaper or paint because it really doesn't matter if your realtor hates you.

___ Faint at the sight of popcorn ceilings. 

___ And above all: always, always pick the newest construction. It's okay to say you like "character" just to look good. Nobody really wants that musty shit.

Basically, my fail-proof list saved my boyfriend and me a lot of time and we ended up going with the first apartment we viewed.

It has laminate counters, black appliances and only one bedroom. So basically everything I mentioned.

Here's the only picture I have of it:

It's our new couch. I made my boyfriend take a picture of it and text it to me after the delivery guys came.

I'd take more pictures of the place but then it'd be like the horrible reveal at the end of every House Hunters when you see how shittily everyone's decorated their new place.


  1. I want that couch because it looks adorable. ALSO, I demand a full house tour complete with bathroom selfies.

  2. You're right. I owe it to everyone to take at least five bathroom selfies. There are so many angles to consider!

  3. I read this while at the gym last night and I was nodding and chuckling! This is so true! Tyler and I watch sometimes (okay, I kind of make him watch it! but I think he sort of likes it) and we totally start to get angry at the hunters because we're like, "YOU SAID THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED! WHY DID YOU PICK HOUSE #3?" and "REALLY? You HAVE to have 2 washer-dryer sets included?" ANYWAY! I think you captured it oh-so-well. Oh, the joys of HGTV! And our couches, while different, look similar! Anyway, congrats on the new apartment! :)

  4. Well, I hope you at least got some lime green tile!

  5. Unfortunately not, which is a damn shame.

  6. Thanks, we've really been loving our new place! And isn't House Hunters so aggravating? I feel like as a pretty general rule you can just pick the house that seems to have the least on their list and they end up going for it. It probably doesn't help that the show has lots of apparently faked bits, but I still love it. I don't know if there is a show my sister and I have marathoned more.