Tuesday, November 12, 2013

What I hear when people say...

Warning: I'm about to get smug. Does it make it better if I admit it? Or no?
No, I don't look like her. (via)
But every-time I hear people say the following things, I want to do something dramatic like pull out all my hair or force the offender to listen to Countess Luann's "Chic, C'est la Vie" on repeat. (Like that's really a punishment.)

Just know this is what I hear when people say...
"I'm so sick of all this political correctness." 
Just let me say offensive things without being called out on it.  
Common offenders: racist people.

"I can't be friends with other women because they're all jealous of me." 
I'm incapable of being friends with other women because of my own insecurities but instead of examining that I'd rather blame it on the billions of other women on this earth. Because obviously they are the problem, and not me. 
Common offenders: reality show contestants.

"Stop cramming [insert current political issue] down our throats." 
I don't know what I'm talking about but maybe if I reference bjs, people will take me seriously. Common offenders: Sarah Palin.

"That girl is such a tease." 
A woman I like doesn't like me back, but instead of moving on, I'm going to insult her because that's easier than accepting I'm just not that awesome.  
Common offenders: This guy I used to know.

"Angelina Jolie is such a whore." 
I get way too involved in the lives of celebrities and still repeat this shit in 2013 because maybe if I say it enough Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt will get back together.  
Alternately: My name's Chelsea Handler and I keep talking shit on Angelina Jolie so I can name-drop that I'm friends with famous people. Namely, Jennifer Aniston. Did you know I'm friends with Jennifer Aniston?  
Common offenders: People who believe everything they read in Star magazine.

"The original is so much better."  
Damn it. Don't you know how cultured I am? 
Common offenders: The same people who liked the band before they were popular.
"I hate when people post photos of their kids on Facebook." 
Don't you know how much more important my statuses about my shitty dates are?  
Common offenders: Twenty-somethings. 

"What a poseur." 
I'm an asshole. Nothing I say is valid, and you can tell by my tone that I'm spelling poseur with a "u" in my head, because, again, I'm an asshole like that.  
Common offenders: Insecure people who also make comments about the "masses" whenever they get the chance.

"I don't own a TV." 
I watch Hulu on my computer a lot. 
Common offenders: People who think you care that they don't own a TV. 
"I'm so sad that [insert two celebrities] broke up." 
See "Angelina is such a whore."  
Common offenders: Me, when Amy Poehler and Will Arnett divorced. 

"I don't listen to the radio." 
I also say shit like, "the original is better."  
Common offenders: Me, in college. 

"I could live on nothing but cheese." 
I think people find my love for cheese as charming as I do.  
Common offenders: Me, every day.
I'll stop if you do. Pinky swear. (via)


  1. I like to make statements about my music superiority all the time. Except I mostly do it to be ironic...but that still makes me a hipster, doesn't it?

  2. I'm one of those people that still wish that Brad & Jennifer would get back together...and I may or may not dislike J. Biel (a tiny bit) because I always wanted Justin & Britney to wind-up together. Wah.

  3. Yes. Cheese. All day. Every day. I'm guilty of saying that, too. The rest.....hilarious. :)

  4. these are amazing. I hate them all. slash use them all. Seriously, we are the same person.

  5. Love all. Related to #2 - "All my friends are guys because I hate women. They're all such bitches." I think, ok, Miss Look-at-how-cool-I-am. You can't even tell when you're calling yourself a bitch.

  6. Haha. Well as long as you're self-aware. I'll have to ask my boyfriend what I get superior and know-it-all about. Of course, I don't do it be ironic, it's mainly just me being an asshole.

  7. Haha, good! It's just a bullshit thing to say. Like, really? You can't see that the common denominator is you in all these "problems" with other women? Go home.

  8. Haha, glad I'm in good company then!

  9. Haha. Okay, I know Jen (clearly I'm on a first-name basis with her) is America's sweetheart, but I can't stand Chelsea Handler, so it's like guilt by association for me. I don't really have strong opinions about Angelina Jolie either way, but Handler looks like an idiot constantly talking shit on a woman who spends so much of her time working as a humanitarian. Like, you're not going to win that fight. Jennifer really needs to tell her to shut it down.

    Also, Justin and Britney, forever.

  10. I wish I had a cheese platter constantly just hanging out in my kitchen with some fruit and crackers. All I need in the world.

  11. Haha! I've used a lot of them too. Oops. I used to be way more of a snob in college.

  12. Oh my god, yes! "I'm literally the only cool woman on earth." Right, dear. And since men only get the charming side of these ladies, the more gullible ones actually believe them when they say other women are just jealous. They don't see how nasty they are to other women.

  13. hah! I am with you on so many of these. Namely the cheese...I really like cheese.

  14. Oh gosh this is so great haha. I'm with you on the fact I could probably live on cheese, like - what? Why is it so great? Can I just have cheese dip every single day?

    And I'm with you on being sad when celebrities I love break up. Like if Channing and Jenna break up, or if Chris Hemsworth & Elsa break up I would be so upset - like I knew them personally lol. My life, smh.

  15. I know. Cheese makes me so happy. I actively look for restaurants that have cheese platters.

  16. Haha, some couple just seem so perfect for each other--it's sad when it all comes falling down! And I would also like cheese dip every day, thanks.

  17. Yes! Especially the PC bit. Actually, all the bits.

  18. Thanks, Lix. The PC one kills me. And Usually the people who say it are also people who start sentences with, "well I'm not racist, but..." Okay, friend, whatever you say.

  19. Ugh I hate the I don't own a tv people. I love me some Bravo reality shows and I don't care. I also love books and other intellectual pursuits too.

  20. Exactly, I'm perfectly capable of being multifaceted and no one will ever take The Real Housewives from me. Besides most of the people I know who "don't own a TV" still get their TV fix online. Way to take a stand, there.

  21. Hilarious and a great idea for a post! Loved it.

  22. That is the true meaning of happiness, right? Cheese!! Cheesy foods, cheesy puns....

  23. Thanks, Deana! I'm glad you liked it.

  24. Mmmmm, cheese....

    And I'm still bothered by the Poehler/Arnett split.

  25. I know, they made such a good couple!

  26. Chelsea Handler is a tool, a garden tool...I shouldn't say that I don't know what goes on in her bedroom, however she is a very very very sucky person

  27. She really seems like a terrible person. Sometimes I think, 'eh I guess she's not that bad' and then she says something else, and it's the worst.