Friday, October 4, 2013

Watching horror movies: A how-to

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Imagine your predicament: It's October and your stupid friend (me) keeps inviting you over for scary movie marathons because "it's the season!"

You hate scary movies and you kind of hate your friend but you know if you don't oblige, your friend will post embarrassing drunk photos they've been hoarding of you because they're vindictive like that.

So what do you do? You buy some candy corn, you put your game-face on and you follow these tips:

1. Plan ahead. You weren't really going to sleep alone after spending hours watching masked murderers and asshole ghosts terrorize people, were you?

NOPE. This is you:


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Call whoever you need to call and line that bear-hug up. OR you know tell your friend the movie-watching comes at a price. A cuddle-later-that-night price.

2. Bring a sweater, wear your hair down or get your fingers ready. Just find something to act as a filter between your eyes and the screen. Everyone knows images become 25 percent less scary when slightly obstructed.

Oh god, you're doing it wrong.

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3. It's called holding hands. Why aren't you?

4. Oh what? Is something scary happening? How weird that I just got a text message at this exact moment. (Yes, I'm telling you to fake a text message.)

5. Shove your face with delicious food while watching. Everything is better with fries, a greasy hamburger and an Oreos Blizzard. And afterward you'll be in way too much of a food coma to even know what's going on. Win-win.


Don't stop to breathe. Just keep shoveling. (via)

5a. Take a shot every time you feel scared. 

6. Think about how much you hate the main character. And then, after deep meditation, realize how little you actually care what happens to them. There. Isn't that a load off your back?

7. Time your bathroom breaks precisely. This works better in larger groups. If it's just a couple of you, they'll probably want to be jerks and pause the movie for you.

8. Just keep reminding yourself it's all made up. Unless the movie's based on a true story, and then immediately google it afterward and obsess over the facts and that ohmygod it happened only thirty minutes from where you live.

9. Laugh to keep from crying.


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10. Above all, don't spill the damn popcorn. It's a terrible omen.


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6 comments:

  1. Hahahah yes! As someone who loathes scary movies this is very sound advice! And my fave is by far 5a.

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  2. haha! this is so cool! well, thanks god no one is inviting me to watch a horror film.. but these tips are damn fun and good! :)

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  3. Right? And I totally added that one in last, but I'm pretty sure nothing would be scary after five shots of tequila.

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  4. Haha, thanks Vaida! At least you can have these tips handy!

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  5. Haha yes! WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BE SMARTER??

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  6. Haha. Funny. Love the post. I also watch scary movies with my hand on my face. Every time I see something scary I block it from my view with the help of my fingers.

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