Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Things to do instead of celebrating Halloween

--Buy a bunch of candy "for the neighborhood children" and then ignore every ring of your doorbell.

--Reminisce about your past Halloween costumes and regret that you never dressed as a slutty nurse.

--Start planning for New Year's because you like to use your time wisely.

--Decide if you relate more to the new class of 90210 or Brenda and her 90s counterparts. 

--Get drunk and call out your ex's shitty costume on Facebook. 

--Make your holiday gift list.
--Be optimistic and include 50 items on your gift list.
--Be really optimistic and include mostly stuff over $100. Hey, people like you, right?

--Marathon nature documentaries because you know what's important in the world. 

--Enjoy a six-pack of pumpkin beer and remind yourself how fleeting good things are.

--Write an essay on whether Miley Cyrus is the finest performance artist of our time (sorry Gaga) or if she's just being Miley (sorry too easy). 

--Work on sharpening those mind powers and figure out how to mentally erase Justin Bieber from existence.

--Admire the way Katy Perry is able to rhyme "erotica" with "exotic, yeah."

--Write an open letter to somebody who has wronged you in the last week (you know who you are).

--Count the freckles on your face in the mirror and pause to lament the lucky bitches who only get a cute smattering on their nose. 

--Start sewing next year's Halloween costume so you don't have to drop out of the festivities because your giant teddy bear didn't arrive in time.

Or you could watch this short Youtube video. Just don't watch it if you sleep alone. And maybe don't watch it if you sleep with somebody too. Probably just don't watch it. But I did, and it was terrifying.

Just, you know, have fun whatever you do.


  1. OR, you could move into your new house on halloween night, get your husband to set up the tv and a chair so you can continue feeding your addiction to the show 24 while he moves all the heavy boxes and when the kids are ringing your doorbell, get angry and yell at your husband: TELL THOSE LITTLE SHITS WE HAVE NO CANDY! AND THAT THEY'RE INTERRUPTING 24 AND I CANT HEAR WITH ALL THE GODDAMN RINGING!!

    LOL. true story; this happened in 2002 when we were moving into our house. i am a terrible person!

    -kathy @Vodka and Soda

  2. I think I need to buy a lot of candy for the "neighborhood kids" this year.. I just wanna be a good neighbor!

  3. I love all of these idea but my favorite has to be erasing Justin Bieber, I'm over that little punk.

  4. can't watch scary stuff. but we definitely bought halloween candy for like 30 people knowing good and well that there will only be 5 trick or treators

  5. Haha! I like your priorities. When you're a kid Halloween is the most fun thing ever, getting free candy and all that, but when you're the adult who just has to answer the door, it gets so old. Although I will always appreciate little kids in adorable costumes.

  6. Haha, yes! The more you get, the better neighbor you are.

  7. He has gone above and beyond in being awful. Just a total ass. The peeing in the janitor's bucket was the cherry on top.

  8. Haha, hey it's better to be safe than sorry!