Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Things to do instead of celebrating Halloween

--Buy a bunch of candy "for the neighborhood children" and then ignore every ring of your doorbell.

--Reminisce about your past Halloween costumes and regret that you never dressed as a slutty nurse.

--Start planning for New Year's because you like to use your time wisely.

--Decide if you relate more to the new class of 90210 or Brenda and her 90s counterparts. 

--Get drunk and call out your ex's shitty costume on Facebook. 

--Make your holiday gift list.
--Be optimistic and include 50 items on your gift list.
--Be really optimistic and include mostly stuff over $100. Hey, people like you, right?

--Marathon nature documentaries because you know what's important in the world. 

--Enjoy a six-pack of pumpkin beer and remind yourself how fleeting good things are.

--Write an essay on whether Miley Cyrus is the finest performance artist of our time (sorry Gaga) or if she's just being Miley (sorry too easy). 

--Work on sharpening those mind powers and figure out how to mentally erase Justin Bieber from existence.

--Admire the way Katy Perry is able to rhyme "erotica" with "exotic, yeah."

--Write an open letter to somebody who has wronged you in the last week (you know who you are).

--Count the freckles on your face in the mirror and pause to lament the lucky bitches who only get a cute smattering on their nose. 

--Start sewing next year's Halloween costume so you don't have to drop out of the festivities because your giant teddy bear didn't arrive in time.

Or you could watch this short Youtube video. Just don't watch it if you sleep alone. And maybe don't watch it if you sleep with somebody too. Probably just don't watch it. But I did, and it was terrifying.

Just, you know, have fun whatever you do.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

My pretend boyfriends

Now, just know when I present this list, that all have the backing of my actual boyfriend. Or he at least knows about them and maybe questions my taste.

1. Ben from Parks and Recreation:


Ben Wyatt is basically the brown-headed version of my boyfriend, which makes it fitting that's he's #1. Nerdy but cute. Not into fashion but still dresses well. Knows lots of random facts. Is kind of smug. Yep, that's my real-life boyfriend. 

In fact, watching Adam Scott as Ben reminds me why I like my boyfriend. (No, Logan, I don't need reminders, but you know what I mean). Now if I could just get my boyfriend to wear skinny ties like Ben.

2. Nathan Fillion


I am so late to this boat, but I've been fangirling hard for Nathan Fillion ever since I marathoned Firefly with, you guessed it, my actual boyfriend. 

Charm and humor? Uh, yeah I'm there. Plus Firefly fans know he has a nice butt. (unless that was a body double and then, oh god the betrayal.) 

3. Eric from True Blood


 Do I even need to explain this one? (hint: he's beautiful)
4.  Troy from Reality Bites


He's brilliant but lacking in ambition. AKA perfect boyfriend material, amirite? But I haven't wanted two movie characters to get together more than Troy and Lelaina. So maybe I just really want them to stay boyfriend and girlfriend forever and ever to warm my romantic heart.

5. Nick Miller from New Girl


Yep, I've got a thing for Nick Miller. Like Troy, he'd make a terrible boyfriend, but there's something about his goofy charm that makes him my favorite New Girl resident. Also, my use of the term, "you big weirdo" has increased exponentially because of him. 
And there you have it. I have six boyfriends. Surprisingly, it's actually kind of tedious. 

So who're you in a pretend relationship with? 


Monday, October 28, 2013

Stupid things guys like to say

First off let me add five-million qualifications to that statement before I'm forever accused of being president of the She-Woman Man Hater's Club. (although really, that club sounds pretty cool)

These are the stupid things guys like to say, but, no, not every guy says these things, nor are all said with bad intentions and yes, us ladies say stupid things too. 

We good? Okay, cool. 


Let's get to the male-bashing begin:

"I like girls who don't wear make-up." Great, but it's basically a fact that most non-make-up-wearing guys have no idea how make-up works. I'm not saying your boyfriend is lying to you when he says he likes you bare-faced if he's actually seen you with no make-up (because I know my own doesn't appreciate my love for cat-eye) but I am saying guys don't get the whole, "no-make-up make-up" look that sometimes involves quite a bit of make-up, even if you can't tell. 

I remember my dad once complimented my eyes and then said something like, "and you're not even wearing make-up, are you?" Uh, I had on the works. Eyeshadow, mascara, eye-liner. It was all there.

What guys are really saying with this comment is that they like pretty girls. Not exactly crazy, but let's call it what it is.

"Girls don't want nice guys." Nope. Women don't want guys who pretend to be nice solely to get into our pants. We can tell the difference between a genuine nice guy and a tool who only wants one thing. Which isn't to say some women don't go after the "bad boy" or emotionally-vacant asshole, but if you think that opening the car door for a woman entitles you to sex, then you shouldn't be surprised you are rejected. A lot. 

"Girls are too catty/jealous/whatever to be real friends." There's this pervasive idea (among sexist people) that girls are too jealous of each other to form true friendships. And you know what I say to that?

I cherish the relationships I have with other women. My best friend is the Oprah to my Gayle (I'm self-aware enough to realize she's the Oprah, not me). Want to call us lesbians? Like I fucking care. 

"I would never respect a girl who slept with me on the first date." Oh, sit down. So it means nothing when a guy sleeps with a girl, but it says everything you need to know about the girl? Yeah, no. You can't have it both ways. If you think casual sex is gross, then you better not partake in it and then dare to moralize about it. Grow up.

"I like a girl that can eat." What you mean is you like a hot girl who can eat. But you know what? Sometimes women just want to eat a salad. It doesn't mean anything. I'm not going to order beer and a greasy hamburger just to impress a guy, unless that's actually what I feel like eating.

"Fashion [insert stereotypically female interest here] is so stupid." Women's interests (or at least the stereotypes that women are supposed to find of interest) are so much more likely to be denigrated than the stereotypical things men are supposed to like. Caring deeply about sports is an American past-time. Caring about clothes is frivolous. It's, to repeat myself, bullshit. Besides, plenty of women like sports. Can we please stop acting like they're an anomaly?

"Stop being such a pussy." Uh...

Please tell me you're not using my body parts to communicate to another guy that he's being weak? Yeah. Full stop. NO. Sidenote: I really don't understand when women use this as an insult (see Mila Kunis' characters in any movie ever) without recognizing that they are just insulting themselves.

"Vodka is a girl's drink." Uh, okay, male who thinks drinking whiskey makes him a man. Tell that to all the Russian men who could drink you under the table. (My male coworkers may have used to tell me this all time and I might have wanted to punch them, so this one might be particularly personal.)

So can I confess I might have written this post under the influence of a couple Hurricanes? Well it's still true.

Happy Monday!


Friday, October 25, 2013

People I want to party with this weekend

Do you ever look at your group of friends and think, "damn I wish I knew cooler people?"
No? Yeah, haha, uh, me neither...
But if I could create a fantasy list of people to party with, well these people would get a VIP invite: (Did I mention some were fictional characters? Don't judge me)

Mindy Lahiri


Why? We could sing off-key to Katy Perry without judgment while clutching big girl mojitos and her idea of a good night would never be inviting me to some stuffy party where pretentious assholes spend the night spouting bullshit with a straight face. 
Sidenote: The MOST boring night I have ever spent with people my own age (Crystal, you know) were these twenty-somethings who cared way too much about how they came off to other people. (Additional sidenote: Probably why hipsters always have such fucking great photos of themselves).

Nick Miller


Why? He's a bartender, duh. Plus his adult failures will remind me that it could get worse. Like I could have a big box full of unpaid bills. Oh wait, you do too? Yeah, mine's in the closet.

Hanna Marin


Why? It goes without saying she's the coolest pretty little liar. She won't casually drop references to centuries-old historical figures like Spencer or date someone named Ezra like Aria, and she won't just stand around and purse her lips like Emily. 

She'll just, you know, party with you. 
Lady Gaga


Why? Because I still want to figure out what she's desperately trying to hide. But once she starts talking about artpop, I'm out. 
Kate Middleton

Why? Because I want to know all the royal gossip and the secrets to her hair. What better time is there to spill dirty details than over shots of Soco and lime (whatever, it tastes good)? Also, I'd maybe tell her to quit it with the black eyeliner ringed all around her eyes.

Jennifer Lawrence


Why? Because, duh, you always invite Jennifer Lawrence. 

Who's on your list??


Thursday, October 24, 2013

Throwback Thursday: That time I watched my sister give birth

Oh hi, little peanut.

And by "watched my sister give birth" I actually mean VIDEO-TAPED my sister giving birth. I don't think there's a whole lot to prepare you for that except grainy videos in high school health class. Except it's been a few years since I was in high school, so I don't know what they make the kiddos watch nowadays.

But I do know, the act of giving birth is typically stereotyped in popular media (Exhibit A: Knocked Up) as equal parts gross and disturbing.

So I was maybe a little apprehensive about video-taping my niece making her way into the world. But I didn't really have a say in the matter (thanks, Sis) because my sister's husband couldn't be in the country at the time of the birth, so my sister wanted to make sure it was documented.

And you know what? I did a fabulous job. I mean if I had really been serious about it, I could've fiddled with camera settings, gotten some mood lighting, and some artistic coloring, but I'm not a professional, okay?

Sometimes I think I missed my calling as a doctor or nurse because "gross" stuff doesn't really faze me (unless we're dealing with an impaling and then, no thanks, I'm good, do not want), and once I was actually in the moment and my sister was giving birth, it was really no biggie.

My sister was adamant about wanting a natural childbirth, so she was up and moving around a lot prior to actually giving birth and I can still remember her walking up and down the halls of the hospital, occasionally pausing to screech in pain. (Yes, screech, sister, I could hear it from the hospital room).

But, basically, she was a rockstar that day.

For those who haven't been in a delivery room before, they give you these large mesh panties to wear and the nurses were telling us about another patient who was so modest she wanted to put the panties back on every-time the nurses were done checking up on things.

But, in my childless opinion, if there is any time to just not give a flying fuck, it's when you're trying to push a watermelon through a life-saver (thanks for the metaphor, mom).

My sister wasn't in labor too horribly long before it came time to sit down and push. So there our mom was up by her head giving support, and there I was standing behind the doctor with my little camera.

When you break down all the components of what was happening, yes it was gross and a bit bizarre, but those details kind of get lost in the bigger picture.

Also, I was probably a bit preoccupied with making sure the camera was on since I didn't actually have a death wish.

But the birth itself was exciting. You forget the weird images you're seeing (yes, weird images--I'm trying to be as least graphic as possible) and just get caught up in the moment. I can remember when my niece came out and she was so blue (or at least I thought she was) that I wondered in my head if something was wrong, but apparently it wasn't concerning to the doctor or nurses who immediately whisked her away to weigh and measure her. Or maybe they handed her to my sister first. It's funny I can't remember, though I'm sure my sister will be happy to correct me.

My niece was so tiny (about 5 pounds) that every hospital worker who came in would call her a little peanut.

But before I make it sound like all rainbows and cupcakes, yes there are some totally nasty things. Namely, how babies come out with this white, cheesy substance all over them, the placenta (so, so gross) and the umbilical cord* (also the baby's belly button before the remaining cord falls off).

But at least after all of it, you get one of these:

Ava only a few days old. Top right: Ava practicing her side-eye.

I'm just so happy I've been able to see my niece grow from the very start and I mean the VERY start. Now it's hard to remember that she used to be so tiny, when, at 4, she's so big now:

So... TL;DR version? Giving birth isn't traumatizing to watch. Grow up Hollywood. Also, Happy Thursday--it's almost the weekend!

*I just failed majorly at trying to spell umbilical. Thanks, Google. 


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The people who will be at your Halloween party

Linking up with Helene in Between and Venus Trapped in Mars today!

Unsure about your Halloween costume? Maybe you should start by considering what everyone else is going to wear. 

First off, you know there will be at least five Mileys.


Why? a) duh. b) skimpy clothes + topical = costume gold. Who will be wearing this? College girls and your friend who likes any opportunity to turn her bras into costumes.

2. The hyper-masculine bro who thinks cross-dressing is hilarious. He may or may not be dressed as Miley Cyrus but he'll be sure to tell you 50 times that he isn't actually gay.

3. The Zooey Deschanel of your friends. She'll look charmingly adorable and will probably be dressed up as some kind of animal. (Note: full body animal. Not sexy animal.)

Painted on whiskers never fail. (via)

4. That lazy son of a bitch who'll only bother to tape something to his shirt and it's probably a pun.

Ha ha, get it? (via)

5. The topical politician (or, you know, Miley as Michele Bachmann).

6. That know-it-all acquaintance who will wear something no one gets and gladly condescend to you about it. Probably an English major. 

7. The cute couple who actually bothered to coordinate their outfits. They're either wearing food or shitting on everyone else's costumes with their adorableness:


8. A flapper. Multiply how many girls dressed as one last year (answer: a lot) by 10. Thanks, Leonardo DiCaprio. 

9. That friend who's supposed to go as a hideously dressed beauty queen but will end up buying a flattering backless gown because she's a vain bitch. 

Oh hi.

10. The group costumers who'll coordinate some TV show like New Girl or The Walking Dead. Yeah I don't have enough friends to do that either. 

Happy (early) Halloween!

Helene in Between

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

That don't impress me much (part 2)

I think it's time for another round of That Don't Impress Me Much, because I haven't used eye-roll gifs in awhile and that's a damn shame.

And also because I wanted to share this photo of Shania:


If you don't own a leopard print bra and a silk (polyester?) bomber jacket with matching pants, then what are you doing with your life? (sidenote: halloween costume idea #1). 

So what haven't I been impressed with lately? Oh, only this:

--Forgetting to shave part of my leg in the shower. 

--When I lose my chapstick for the millionth time even though I own at least ten different ones.

--That moment I realize my boxed wine is getting pretty light.

--When you can see someone has seen your Facebook message and they still don't respond until three days later.

--Guy Fieri. In general. My heart always sinks when I turn to the Food Network with high hopes and oh, look, he's on.

--When my boyfriend isn't nearly as interested in watching House Hunters as I am.

--Failing miserably during an attempt to copy youtube beauty gurus. (But did I really expect not to?)

--That I don't own every MAC product on earth like the gurus.

--How The Voice keeps messing around with the format of the show when the only thing they need to deal with is that the show is WAY TOO LONG. Sorry, tuned out the 50th time Hulu went to commercial.

--Realizing my exercise schedule is going to go to shit once I actually have a job.

--The Duggars. Yes, the Duggars. Take your 19 J-named kids and go home, Jim Bob. 

--This. But only because I really want to do it my own lips, and I know it won't look nearly as cool.


Please add to the list and let's keep this eye-roll train going. 

Monday, October 21, 2013

What I wish I knew about blogging before I started

This image is inspirational.

Yes, it's that time in my blogging career* when I start talking about blogging like I know anything. Which is to say I don't actually have any good advice, but there are things I wish I knew before I jumped right in with my very first post.

Namely this:

1. It doesn't matter how witty, brilliant, fabulous or adorable your blog is if no one knows it exists (i.e. it's not enough to just hit "publish" and hope the masses will come).

2. You're not going to get comments/feedback right away. It's okay. It doesn't mean you suck.

3. You have to work it on social media. At first I thought maybe I'd just get a Twitter account, but nope! Look at me on Pinterest and Facebook too. (Confession: there are some days/weeks I just about pimping my posts out on my various social media accounts. Like I just can't bring myself to do it. Should probably work on that.)
4. There are these little things called sponsorships that I somehow didn't realize existed even though I read blogs like Sterling Style and Making Magique regularly. Basically you just pay someone cooler than you to be your friend and put your ad up on their site and maybe say nice things about you.

5. Wondering how someone got 700 new followers seemingly overnight? They're called giveaways and you want to be a part of them. Attaching yourself to one is usually easiest through sponsorships. Bribing people to like you? Yep, that's blogging.
6. You can't just put out your stuff without interacting with any other bloggers and expect some big break. Network, bitch! (yes I just did that)

7. It's impossible not to compare yourself to established bloggers. You can try not to, but you won't succeed. Just be conscious of it and don't get down on yourself.

8. Blogging takes so much time. SO MUCH TIME.
Other than that, I don't really have it figured out.

Is there anything you wish you knew or still don't understand?

*Career is being used very lightly here. 


Friday, October 18, 2013

Sephora understands true love

Can we talk for a second about our beauty favorites? 

Because I don't know when Sephora started making their Lash Stash value sets, but I love them like they are my children. (and no this post is not sponsored!)

I've bought or received as a gift the previous two before they released this one and they are probably my favorite thing Sephora offers.

The whole set is $45 and includes two-full size mascaras and then about eight sample size mascaras. But even though they are the sample sizes, each will last for at least a few weeks and contain enough product so you'll be able to tell whether you like it or not. Plus, it's Sephora, so they are nice brands, you brand-whore.

Recently they started adding fake lashes, which is convenient because I wear fake lashes... never. But I guess it's nice to have as an option? 

The reason I'm writing about it now is that, well, it just came in the mail and I almost spontaneously combusted waiting for it. 

I had to stop myself from opening every tube right away because beauty bloggers always warn you about mascara drying out (buzzkills, I know).

But I know I won't be able to help myself from trying a new one every day.

I always buy these mascara sets with the best of intentions--i.e. "oh yeah, this will totally help me figure out which mascara I like best and then I'll just buy it from now on! Totes!"

But, uh no. I like variety way too much. Which is why even though I love Lancome's Teint Miracle foundation, I'm still going to try Clinique's CC cream next. YOU CAN'T BOX ME IN.

And now that I've gotten three of these things, I can be the annoying friend who has an opinion on every mascara you use. Obviously because I'm an expert now. 

I don't know how I didn't already dedicate five paragraphs to this, but I LOVE mascara, which might be akin to saying, "I like cake," but if there was one make-up item I would splurge on or only one piece of make-up I could wear, it would be--you guessed it--mascara.

My all-time favorite is Diorshow Iconic (not the one with the huge wand, but the one with the silicone bristles). But it's nearly $30 a bottle, so I don't really make a habit of buying it. So I think it's just peachy that for $15 more I can get 10 mascaras to try and maybe love.

What about you? What's your favorite mascara?

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The thing about exercise... that it's really hard. 
Clever, I know.
But I'm getting my ass kicked on a daily basis by Jillian Michaels and not even five months ago, I didn't exercise. At all. 
So I'm kind of new to this whole being fit thing. 
The thing I want to know is what do you think about while exercising? 
Nothing? Just straight focus on the push-up you're doing? Is it just "PAIN, PAIN, SO MUCH PAIN?"
Or do you try to pump yourself up?
Sometimes when I'm on my 500th* jumping jack, I try to remember all those dumb phrases they put on motivational posters, but usually the best I can come up with is, "yeah, go you!" and "you can do this!" while I picture a mountain or some nature scene.
Other times, I kind of sing along to my exercise playlist ("I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fiiiiire!"), but then I think that's probably just wasting valuable breath.

And then other times, it's nothing but, "oh god, I'm dying. It's done. I'm dead."

Some people aren't a fan of Jillian Michaels' style--you know the yelling, gruffness, whatever adjective you want to insert. But I don't make a habit of watching Biggest Loser so I don't really see her yelling in people's faces. On her workout DVDs, she's pretty much just instructional with the occasional, "keep working! This is when it counts!"

But you know what? I much prefer her style. I can't handle someone yelling positive crap like, "You've got this! Not much longer! You're so amazing!" Ugh, go away. Why are you talking to me?

It's just a distraction. 
Besides I listen to Katy Perry for motivation. No one does it better than her. 
So what do you tell yourself to keep going? 
*no, I don't actually do 500 jumping jacks. Unless we add up the days. Happy?

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

You're cordially invited to my pity party

This is my pity pie. It's ten parts marshmallow creme to five parts chocolate and it'll kill you if consumed in one sitting. (I'm guessing).
I wish I had the brain that came up with this, but I won't even pretend to be that domestic goddess-y. It actually came from here and it's been my best friend since I found it. Confession: I don't love LOVE s'mores, but I do love LOVE LOVE this pie.

And, yes, you may have noticed the pie in the link is way more photogenic, but making things look rustic is kind of my specialty. 

Besides, this isn't a recipe post.

This is a gosh-darn pity me post. (I promised my mom I wouldn't use "god damn" anymore).

Everything has come together this week to make me miserable. It's my (close your ears) lady time, the job situation seems more hopeless than ever and I ran out of crème brûlée to eat (as if that wouldn't make you upset). 

But I'm going to guess no one actually accepted an invite to this party so I'll just go eat my pie in the corner and be glad I don't have to feel too guilty about it since Jill-Jill Michaels (as I call her) has also become my best friend.

I've moved on to level 2 of her 30 Day Shred, and it makes me feel good to see that even the fit ladies (I definitely have a crush on Natalie) behind her work up a sweat doing it. Who doesn't enjoy panting and grunting like you're on your last breath for 20 minutes every day? I can't believe some women pair this shit with other exercises. No thank you.

But because I like to be helpful in everything I do (and because my DIY label has been getting pretty dusty), I've laid out some ground rules for having the best pity party ever.

1. Guilt all your friends into coming (and ideally the whole internet).
2. Don't actually provide any food or drinks, so everyone is as miserable as you.
3. Take into account your friends musical tastes and then play the exact opposite of that.
4. Write a long list of grievances and then recite it for those gathered. For hours.
5. Provide a party favor of nothing. Just an empty bag as a metaphor for everyone's empty lives.

Best party ever.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Can you smell the nostalgia?

I don't know what it is about this week, but I am feeling all kinds of nostalgic. ALL KINDS. I think it's the fall weather.

All you want to do is curl up with warm apple cider and reminisce, apparently. Well minus the apple cider part. I'm just trying to name-check anything but spiced pumpkin latte.

I know it's hard to claim your childhood years as the best for movies, music, TV, etc, over, well, everyone else's, but I've been drinking wine, so I'm just going to call it. I'm 26 and my youth had the best of everything.

Ask yourself this:

Will there ever be a greater love than Zack and Kelly?


Thought I'd go for Jack and Rose, didn't you? Surprises, I'm totally full of them.

Will there ever be a movie that so clearly understands the plight of the rich, American teenager?

(also, Paul Rudd. Who knew?)

Or for that matter, will there ever be a greater insult?


No, there won't. Stop trying.

Will there ever be a better teen pop star?

There is not one person on earth who has caused as many insecurities for me as this woman. God bless her.

Or a better fashion statement?

You're damn straight I had a pair. And I proudly wore them with my blue jeans and A&F shirt and a ribbon in my ponytail. Okay, just kidding about the last part. Only the cool girls did that.

Now Dr. Martens sells these:


Ugh, go home.

How about a better teen heartthrob? 

Yeah, you're right. We probably don't have this market cornered. But thanks for giving your best, Jason. (Also, I definitely just googled Brandon Priestley to find this picture)

Okay, last question: what about a better musical collaboration? 

Oh god, I couldn't even link that with a straight face. Go home, ladies (did I already use that insult tonight?), your hair looks like shit.

What I really meant was this:



Monday, October 14, 2013

A Nail-tervention

Can somebody please save my nails from me? I think I've been smothering them too long and now they're rebelling like asshole teenagers.

Apparently I buffed them with one of those four-sided nail buffers too frequently in one week and, as a result, they're all weak and breaking.

And it's all because I do my nails too much.

I've already written about my nail polish collection, but I rarely go without polish on my nails and I usually like to switch it up at least twice a week, so I think my nails are finally giving me a giant FU (quoting Miley Cyrus, obviously). (Sidenote: could anyone help but listen to Miley's new album on Spotify?)

Yeah, I'm too lazy to make a new nail graphic.
Please tell me I'm not alone in this nail madness. I rarely do nail art anymore because the pay-off is never worth the time it takes, but the process of doing my nails is actually something I enjoy. I don't even want to count the hours I've spent on them. 

Which is why it kills me that I'm letting them take a breather now so they can get stronger.

To keep my mind off every dumb thought I have about painting them, though, I tell myself to do one of these things instead:
1. Read about all the harmful stuff in nail polish and question my life choices.

2. Count the money I've spent on nail polish and cry.

3. Group my nail polishes by color and take note of how many are basically the same.

4. Write a blog post using nothing but nail polish color names. Chances are no one will even notice.

5. Do literally anything else.

Anyone else a little too obsessive about their nails?