Friday, September 27, 2013

Dear Facebook friends

You know the Blogtember prompt for today was just too good to turn down:

Friday, September 27: An anonymous letter to your Facebook friends. Be as snarky as you'd like. 

Um, did you say snarky? Yeah, I'm in and I'm wearing bells.


 
 
Dear Facebook friends,
 
You know I love you. Or at least liked you enough at one time to either add you or accept your friend request. 

I know some of you better than others, but at least I can say with every one of you that we've had more than a passing interaction and we didn't just see each other on the other side of the room at that one party and then add each other because we have mutual friends or something. 

So the point is, I'm genuinely friends with lots of you and I'm glad that when people make those tired jokes about Facebook--like about how banal status updates are (i.e. "Amy Fakename just made a sandwich")--I can say, eh, don't really have that problem with my Facebook friends. Because I don't. Most of my friends generally have at least semi-entertaining statuses and if they aren't, well then they probably weren't intended for me anyway.
 
So, uh, thanks for that.  
 
But you know what needs to go? 
 
Look, okay, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but those statuses where you say something super dramatic but also super vague are the worst. THE WORST. 
 
Everyone reading it will want the dirty details, but as if you actually want to give those. Nope, you just want someone to pat your head and tell you you're hot stuff. Sorry, babycakes, that's why you call up your bestie, because she actually will do that. Me on the other hand? Well I'll probably just make a snide comment to someone about how insufferable you are on Facebook. 
 
But you know, keep on keeping on with the baby and food photos. While some people get all pissy about them, I like looking at pictures of yummy-looking food because I like eating yummy-looking food and cute babies are cute babies. Plus, what better venue is there to show other people your baby is cuter than theirs? (Jokes, okay. JOKES). 
 
And you know what else you should above all keep doing? Post those wedding photos! I LOVE THEM LIKE MY OWN KIN.
 
It interests me no end to see what dress you picked, what your cake looks like, where you had your reception and what color you made your bridesmaids wear. Just tell me!

Did you have cupcakes? Get married in a barn? Drink out of mason jars? I HAVE TO KNOW. Maybe I should become a wedding planner. (Sidenote: how does one become a wedding planner?)
 
Oh, and never stop with the passionate political updates. If anything else I love to hate-read them. 

Let's see, what else... 
 
Stop liking everything in sight. I don't need my news feed clogged with how many different corporations you like. 
 
Also, if I don't know you, don't reply sarcastically (playfully?) to me on a mutual friend's post, because I won't know how to take your response and I'm not about to get into a Facebook fight with some fool I've never met.  
 
Otherwise, friends, you just keep doing you. 
 
Sincerely,
The Dunce

 

12 comments:

  1. OMG, this is the best! I recently got back "on" Facebook and I have no idea what is happening out there. It's like the wild west and confuses me to no end. But while I have no idea what is happening, I also love seeing all the baby/food/wedding photos and get annoyed by the super vague but full of drama status updates. Totally spot on :)

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  2. I'm slightly jealous of the mainly genuine Facebook friendships you have (although my friends are my fault). On the upside, I think your letter has inspired me to clean out the friend closet and donate a few to Goodwill or something. Thanks for that!

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  3. 100% agree that vague updates are the worst. I always have to refrain from posting a comment like "OMG. WHAT. HAPPENED. R U OK." in the hopes that the poster would actually respond. (I know, I shouldn't use other people's pain as entertainment...) Ditto on being a wedding picture creep, too, haha.


    Also, from reading some of the other posts, I had forgotten about girl-who-goes-to-the-gym-everyday! That's a classic one.


    Love your blog!

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  4. I appreciate this! I was really worried (in general) about how snarky and negative this topic was going to get for blogtember, but I think you highlighted something very important: we choose who we friend on Facebook. And if people are so upset by the updates they have that they hate what they are seeing, maybe they shouldn't be on Facebook? For the most part, I think Facebook is a place for people to share -- and different people have different standards as to what's important or what's worthy of a Facebook post. But like you said, I pretty much like watching what I can when I am there and it's a good way to stay relatively connected with people from the past. So, thanks! I think you did this in a great way that was actually pretty positive (and this topic had such a potential of being a negative one). :) YAY!

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  5. Haha, thanks Amy! It really is funny/confusing how different people choose to use Facebook. And, luckily for me, at least, the super dramatic statuses are in the minority!

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  6. Yes! There is definitely A LOT of opportunity for snark with this topic, but I didn't want to pile on too much. Honestly, I rarely block people because I understand that just because someone posts something and yes it's public, it still doesn't mean it was for ME personally. So if it doesn't interest me or whatever, then so what? I guess it helps that I only have like 150 friends though, so for most of them, I actually want to know what's happening with them.

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  7. Haha, and the worst part is, if you asked them what's wrong, they'll just respond with, "oh I don't want to talk about it here." Um, right. Thanks for the comment, Julia!

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  8. Haha, glad to help! I just never add people, like ever. Unless we've hung out at least three times, so it probably helps that my friends list isn't a lot!

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  9. I have a few troubles with Facebook and it totally indulges political issues . People fighting over parties usually have nothing to do with them . Nor their views would influence others , so it's a shut-up-and-move type to me.
    Noor @ Noor's Place

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  10. I guess I just find it interesting to read what other people's views are, but there is definitely a certain point when all they do is spout inflammatory rhetoric that I start ignoring their posts.

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  11. Love this! I thought this was a fun writing prompt also even though I didn't participate. I love the wedding pictures too! And I agree, the vague posts are so annoying!

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  12. Thanks, Deanna! And aren't they so annoying?! If you want to be dramatic then just be dramatic--put it all out there!

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