Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Life lessons from the Real Housewives

NYC Gay Pride 2009 - 31
As if I wouldn't open this post with a photo of Danielle. (Photo via Boss Tweed)

You can’t know me and not know I love the Real Housewives. 

I love them so much I'll forgive Andy Cohen for foisting Patti Stanger upon us.

And if you’re about to tell me it’s staged as if you're the first person to figure this out, you can just stop yourself right there, because I don’t care. Yes, it’s a bunch of women fighting like they’re contractually obligated to do so, but I like it.

And here’s the thing about it—people can pretend all they want that they think the shows are just SO stupid, but every time I watch them with someone who claims not to watch them… well, guess who’s piping in my damn ear every five minutes with a question about what’s going on?

And really, who wouldn’t appreciate the show if they knew how many pearls of wisdom came from these ladies? So many life lessons, it would be remiss not to mention at least a few:

1. Class doesn’t come from money. Class comes from talk-singing about class while wearing extensions and a bustier in Atlantic City. (Darling).

 (Yes, #1 was just my excuse to post this amazing video)

2. Why be the master of one thing when you can dip your shitty foot into ten different things? Purse line? Check. Face cream? Check. Jewelry line that you never take off? Check. (Oh, and maybe buy a vineyard too or water that doesn’t look like water. Everyone knows that’s gold).

3. Speaking of gold, apparently the cool people carry it around in satchels.

4. If someone is ever slightly rude to you at any point, no matter how legitimate the reason, clearly you are the target of bullying. Maybe even systematic bullying. Take that fight to Twitter!

5. If you’re not opening a restaurant, then what are you doing? How am I supposed to watch a spin-off show about your bitchy, entitled servers if you’re just sitting at home on your ass?

6. Never enter into a social situation without arming yourself with Radar gossip items you can throw in your friends' faces when they piss you off. Bonus points if you bring an actual folder. 

7. Shit-stir like it’s your job but tell everyone you hate drama so they never catch on.

8. Always remember that wigs are not a joke.

9. Raise your kids to think they are the most special flowers in all the world. This will not backfire when they are older. 

10. It's okay to fight with your family members about the same thing for years. It will never get old and no one will ever lose interest.

11. The best way to approach arguments is to deflect from the actual issue and call the other person ugly. Or fat. Call them fat.

12. Most importantly, keep the toxic out of your life by ignoring the fact that the most toxic thing in your life is yourself.

Note: You'll notice I only chose to use a photo of Danielle. That's because I'm still protesting her axing. Love and light, Danielle! LOVE AND LIGHT!

I also may have written this while listening to West Side Story and Avenue Q with a glass of boxed wine. 


  1. I've been secretly keeping a list of "Life lessons from America's Next Top Model"... glad to hear I'm not the only one learning something from reality TV and props for making your list public! :p

  2. Reading this made my Wednesday better!!! Plus the fact that it was written with a glass of boxed wine made it a little bit better too!!!
    -Caitlyn /

  3. Haha, thanks Caitlyn. On a related note, I'm thinking of doing a future post reviewing boxed wines, because why not?

  4. Yes!! You need to publish that pronto!

  5. Ofcourse!!! People review wine from a bottle! So yes a review of wine from a box is needed!!! :)

  6. I adore this, everyone needs to learn these things.


    Fashion and Happy Things

  7. Thanks, Mana! And I agree. These ladies seem to have it together, minus all their legal troubles, and dwindling finances and bratty children.. oh, wait.

  8. Bahahahah! I loved it and I am so happy that we are besties, because LOVE AND LIGHT 4 LYFE.

  9. Thanks, my dear. Love and light 4ever.

  10. HA! #1 and #11, so good!! I love the SNL parody of Luann's "song"

  11. Yes, me too! Her music videos are so hard to watch. How can she not be sooooo embarrassed? Class with Luann, bitch please.