Friday, August 23, 2013

A letter to my 18-year-old self

(In honor of all you back-to-school college students--I know it's a Friday afternoon and you're probably readying yourself for a night of lost dignity--hey, it's cool--but maybe you can read this tomorrow in your hungover haze.) 

Hey young Katie,

I'm only starting this off with all the negative things you're going to do wrong because I love you.

But, hey, fine, if you need to hear it, congrats on getting into your dream school and moving to New York City.

Demerits for everything that came after.

What exactly are you going to do wrong, you ask?

Let's bullet point it:

  • So you're in NYC and you're not going to go crazy and go out and party? I know you're young and pretty timid, but C'MON. I mean, don't be dangerously stupid. Just stupid. It's okay, you're 18!

  • They're called boys, Katie. I know you're going to a school where the majority of guys are gay, but how many millions of people live in the city? Put on your tightest dress from H&M, smear your eyes with black eyeliner and go flirt! Or go up to Columbia's campus in a cute high-waisted skirt and a bow in your hair and try to get some trust-fund philosophy major to approach you while crying over a book on a park bench. Just do something!    

  • Why would you ever eat at the Chili's in Times Square even once? There are 20 million restaurants in New York (it's true, I counted). I mean, their triple dipper is pretty awesome, but how are you gonna act all cool and recommend restaurants to tourists if you're too busy shoving your face with Chili's southwestern egg rolls and boneless buffalo wings? 

  • Stop dressing like you're 30! Banana Republic and J. Crew are NOT marketing toward you, so why are you shopping there? Props on not being much of a picture taker your freshman year so there's not much evidence left. But, let's reiterate: a cashmere, pink turtleneck sweater is what a 30-year-old professional wears, not an 18-year-old fashion student. Also, it was really expensive. Dumb bitch.

  • And, friend, I hate to say it, but the pale and painfully skinny thing is just not working. Get a tan or eat more supplements. 

  • Oh, and, also learn how to make eye-contact with a camera. It'll serve you well later in life.
Nice job at ruining the last photo with your mom before she flies home, asshole.

But, hey, at least you'll learn the valuable life lesson that some girls are just perfect and gorgeous and know how to dress more stylishly than you ever will.

And it's okay that you'll eventually decide pursuing fashion isn't your thing. Figuring out that you're in the wrong major happens sometimes.

And it's okay that you'll have to put your vision of yourself as a stylish city-dweller on hold because you'll decide you just want to try figuring out who you are at a typical college, with a typical sprawling campus and thousands of students who aren't all pursuing fashion.

Just, please, when you transfer to K-State, go ahead and request a change of roommate. It'll be for the best.


  1. Haha, OMG. I died laughing because I could HEAR YOU while I read this. Oh, boo, this was hilarious. Aren't you glad that I waltzed into your life when I did to encourage the stupid. I'm glad to have contributed to helping you realize your dream of a normal college life.

  2. Haha. I suppose I do owe my best partying days in college to you! Thanks for helping me see the light.