Tuesday, June 18, 2013

You go girl?

I love when songs pretend to be empowering in some way, and they just aren't at all. But I guess not everyone can take a page from Beyonce's "Irreplaceable."

A few of my favorites (because what else is there to ruminate about on a Tuesday?):

Sk8er Boi (by Avril Lavigne)

Look at me, I won’t even comment on that stupid fucking spelling.

(Oh, wait.)

Can I admit to kind of liking this song when it came out? It’s catchy! And it teaches you important life lessons like ballerinas are from Venus and punk rockers are from Mars. And also, if you reject someone in high school, you end up a loser with a baby.

Clearly this song was Avril staking her claim as a guy’s girl (if that dumbass “Complicated” song didn’t get it in your head). She’s so cool and not a dumb bitch, like—while we’re on the subject of dumb bitches—the one who rejected her super hot boyfriend in high school. 

And now him and Avril are super happy together and the ballerina is a single mom (nice plot point, Avril) who mournfully comes to sk8er boi’s concerts to watch him like the dried husk of a person she has become. 

And then at that same concert, Avril and sk8er boi sing a song they wrote about her and it’s AWESOME!!! 

Wait, what?

Oh, Avril. You’re dating a guy who’s still writing bitter songs about that girl he used to date five years ago? Ouch. 

Never Again (by Kelly Clarkson)

“Does it hurt/ To know I'll never be there/ Bet it sucks/ To see my face everywhere/ It was you
/ Who chose to end it like you did.”

Wait, I’m sorry Kells… are you taunting a guy who ended things with you with the fact that he’ll never see you again?

You can’t even throw in a line about how he wants you back or something?

So no, in answer to your question, it doesn’t hurt. It feels like good riddance.

Special video mention: “Since U Been Gone”

I know it's supposed to be fun, but the video to "Since U Been Gone" is beyond annoying. The song itself doesn’t bother me and is empowering enough, I guess, but the video takes any power the song has and kills it.

I know, I know—the video is supposed to be all "yeah, get it girl!" and I’m over-thinking it and being a fun-sucker.

But, really, Kelly? While her voice-over sings about “so moving on,” her video shows her tearing apart her ex’s apartment. So by “so moving on,” she means fucking with all of his stuff because that’s what people in a better place do. Got it.

And instead of him saying, “aw man I saw Kelly the other day and she looks so great, it’s too bad I messed up and lost her,” he’ll be saying to friends, “so that crazy bitch I used to date…guess what she did to my place.”


Better Than Revenge (by Taylor Swift)

Oh, Taylor, way to attack the problem at the source. I mean, I know you play fair and that this guy (Joe Jonas, yes it's about Joe Jonas, I know this fact) probably has five songs dedicated solely to him and his terribleness, but you know what’s really better than revenge?

Having self-awareness.

Stealing boyfriends is totally YOUR thing. Is that why you’re so mad? 

Cry Me a River (by Justin Timberlake)

"You don't have to say what you did/ I already know/ I found out from him/ Now there's just no chance for you and me/ You're not with me/ Don't it make you sad about it?"

No, it doesn't make me sad that I lost a guy who's creepy enough to break into my place while I'm not home and/or showering. 

Gives You Hell (by the All-American Rejects)

Ugh, the bitterness reeks. Oh wait. I meant I'm in such hell for what I've "done" to you. 

"And truth be told I miss you/ And truth be told I'm lying." 

That's cute.

Pray for You (by Jaron and the Long Road to Love)

"I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill/ I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to/ I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls/ I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls."

Cool. I'll pray your shitty lyrics choke you as they attempt to leave your mouth in the middle of your next concert.

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